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一个荒唐人的梦 The Dream Of a Ridiculous Man
作者：陀思妥耶夫斯基 (Fyodor Dostoevsky) [俄国]
我是一个荒唐可笑的人。现在他们叫我疯子。在他们看来，如果我依然不像先前那样荒唐的话，那么这一称呼倒是升了一级。不过，我现在已经不生气了，现在我觉得他们全都很可爱，甚至当他们嘲笑我的时候——我反而觉得他们特别可爱。假若望着他们我心里不是那么忧伤的话，我会同他们一道笑的，——不是笑我自己，而是由于喜欢他们。我之所以感到忧伤，是因为他们不懂得真理，而我却懂。唉，一个人懂得真理有多么难啊！
第一章
I am a ridiculous person. Now they call me a madman. That would be a promotion if it were not that I remain as ridiculous in their eyes as before. But now I do not resent it, they are all dear to me now, even when they laugh at me and, indeed, it is just then that they are particularly dear to me. I could join in their laughter -- not exactly at myself, but through affection for them, if I did not feel so sad as I look at them. Sad because they do not know the truth and I do know it. Oh, how hard it is to be the only one who knows the truth! But they won't understand that.
我是一个荒唐可笑的人。现在他们叫我疯子。在他们看来，如果我依然不像先前那样荒 唐的话，那么这一称呼倒是升了一级。不过，我现在已经不生气了，现在我觉得他们全都很可爱，甚至当他们嘲笑我的时候——我反而觉得他们特别可爱。假若望着他们我心里不是那么忧伤的话，我会同他们一道笑的，——不是笑我自己，而是由于喜欢他们。我之所以感到忧伤，是因为他们不懂得真理，而我却懂。唉，一个人懂得真理有多么难啊！但是这一点他们是理解不到的。
No, they won't understand it.
不，他们是不会理解的。
In old days I used to be miserable at seeming ridiculous. Not seeming, but being. I have always been ridiculous, and I have known it, perhaps, from the hour I was born. Perhaps from the time I was seven years old I knew I was ridiculous.
过去我感到非常伤心的，是因为我好像很荒唐可笑。不是好像，而是确实荒唐。我一向是非常荒唐可笑的，这一点也许我一生下来就是如此。也许是七岁的时候，我就已经知道自己是个荒唐的人了。
Afterwards I went to school, studied at the university, and, do you know, the more I learned, the more thoroughly I understood that I was ridiculous. So that it seemed in the end as though all the sciences I studied at the university existed only to prove and make evident to me as I went more deeply into them that I was ridiculous. It was the same with life as it was with science.
后来我上中学，进大学，结果呢——学得越多，越觉得自己荒唐。因此，对于我来说，大学里学到的全部知识仿佛只是最终向我证实和说明：我学习越深入越荒唐。学习如此，生活也是如此。
With every year the same consciousness of the ridiculous figure I cut in every relation grew and strengthened. Everyone always laughed at me. But not one of them knew or guessed that if there were one man on earth who knew better than anybody else that I was absurd, it was myself, and what I resented most of all was that they did not know that.
时间一年年过去，我认识到我在各方面都很荒唐，这个认识在我身上也与年俱增。所有的人总是嘲笑我，但是，他们谁也不知道，谁也猜不出，如果说人世间有个什么人最了解我是荒唐人的话，那么这个人就是我自己。使我遗憾不过的正是他们不明了这一点。
But that was my own fault; I was so proud that nothing would have ever induced me to tell it to anyone. This pride grew in me with the years; and if it had happened that I allowed myself to confess to anyone that I was ridiculous, I believe that I should have blown out my brains the same evening.
不过，在这件事情上我自个儿有错；我老是那么高傲，从不愿意向任何人承认自己荒唐。我身上的这种傲慢在与年俱增，倘若我让自己向任何人承认自己荒唐，那么当晚我就会用手枪打碎自己的脑袋。
Oh, how I suffered in my early youth from the fear that I might give way and confess it to my schoolfellows. But since I grew to manhood, I have for some unknown reason become calmer, though I realised my awful characteristic more fully every year. I say "unknown", for to this day I cannot tell why it was. Perhaps it was owing to the terrible misery that was growing in my soul through something which was of more consequence than anything else about me: that something was the conviction that had come upon me that nothing in the world mattered. I had long had an inkling of it, but the full realisation came last year almost suddenly.
啊，我小时候有多痛苦，生怕忍耐不住而突然向伙伴们坦白承认。然而，当我成长为青年后，虽然对自己很坏的品性一年比一年有更深的认识，但不知为什么心情却反而变得平静多了。的确是不知道为什么，因为我至今还不能断定其原因。这原因也许是由于某种极大地影响我的情况，使我心头积聚着极度的苦闷，这就使我萌发了一种信念：世界上到处都是无所谓。我早就预感到了这一点，但是，完整的信念似乎是最近一年突然出现的。
I suddenly felt that it was all the same to me whether the world existed or whether there had never been anything at all: I began to feel with all my being that there was nothing existing. At first I fancied that many things had existed in the past, but afterwards I guessed that there never had been anything in the past either, but that it had only seemed so for some reason. Little by little I guessed that there would be nothing in the future either. Then I left off being angry with people and almost ceased to notice them.
我忽然感到，世界的有无，对于我来说都无所谓。我开始感到并且真正地感到，我身边空无一物。起初，我总以为，许多东西过去是有的，但是后来我才悟出来，过去也是一无所有，只是不知因为什么才仿佛那样。我逐渐确信，将来也永远是一无所有。于是，我马上就不再对别人生气，也几乎不再对别人留意。
Indeed this showed itself even in the pettiest trifles: I used, for instance, to knock against people in the street. And not so much from being lost in thought: what had I to think about? I had almost given up thinking by that time; nothing mattered to me. If at least I had solved my problems! Oh, I had not settled one of them, and how many there were! But I gave up caring about anything, and all the problems disappeared.
说实在的，这种变化甚至在一些微不足道的事情上也会表现出来。比如，有时候我在街上走着走着就撞着了人家。这不是由于沉思的缘故，我有什么要沉思的呢，我当时就根本没有想什么，因为我对什么都无所谓。我要是解决了一些问题有多好，唉，一个问题也没有解决，而有多少问题要解决啊？可是，我一想到全无所谓，一切问题便不复存在了。
And it was after that that I found out the truth. I learnt the truth last November -- on the third of November, to be precise -- and I remember every instant since. It was a gloomy evening, one of the gloomiest possible evenings. I was going home at about eleven o'clock, and I remember that I thought that the evening could not be gloomier. Even physically. Rain had been falling all day, and it had been a cold, gloomy, almost menacing rain, with, I remember, an unmistakable spite against mankind.
就在那之后我弄清了真相。我是去年十一月，确切地说是去年十一月三日弄清的。打那以后我的每一瞬间我都记得清清楚楚。这事发生在一个漆黑漆黑的夜晚，恐怕只有这个夜晚才这么黑。当时是十点多钟，我正回家去。记得，我正在想着没有比这更阴暗的时候，甚至在肉体上也感觉得到。倾盆大雨下了一整天，那是一场最寒冷、最阴郁甚至叫人可怕的大雨。我记得，这雨甚至还对人怀着一种公然的敌意。
Suddenly between ten and eleven it had stopped, and was followed by a horrible dampness, colder and damper than the rain, and a sort of steam was rising from everything, from every stone in the street, and from every by-lane if one looked down it as far as one could. A thought suddenly occurred to me, that if all the street lamps had been put out it would have been less cheerless, that the gas made one's heart sadder because it lighted it all up.
而在十点多钟它却骤然停了，散发出一股令人觉得可怕的潮气，比下雨时还要潮湿，还要寒冷。街道路面上的每一块石板，每一条胡同，处处都在散发着雾气。如果从街上往胡同里望去，那里面也是雾气腾腾的。我突发奇想，如果街灯全部熄灭，会使人愉快些，因为它把什么都照得通明透亮，反而令人感到忧伤。
I had had scarcely any dinner that day, and had been spending the evening with an engineer, and two other friends had been there also. I sat silent -- I fancy I bored them. They talked of something rousing and suddenly they got excited over it. But they did not really care, I could see that, and only made a show of being excited.
这一天我几乎没有吃东西，晚上早早地到了一位工程师家，当时在坐的还有他的两位朋友。我一直默不作声，似乎很叫他们生厌。他们谈看吸引人的什么事情，甚至突然发起火来。但是在我看来，他们全无所谓，他们激动只不过是做做样子而已。
I suddenly said as much to them. "My friends," I said, "you really do not care one way or the other." They were not offended, but they laughed at me. That was because I spoke without any not of reproach, simply because it did not matter to me. They saw it did not, and it amused them.
我忽然把我的这一想法对他们说了出来：“先生们，我说你们本来是无所谓的嘛。”他们听了没有生气，反而笑起我来。这是因我的话并无责备意味，而只是我觉得全都无所谓而已。他们看出我这全无所谓之后也就快活起来了。
As I was thinking about the gas lamps in the street I looked up at the sky. The sky was horribly dark, but one could distinctly see tattered clouds, and between them fathomless black patches. Suddenly I noticed in one of these patches a star, and began watching it intently. That was because that star had given me an idea: I decided to kill myself that night.
当我走在大街上想着街灯的时候，我不时望望天空。天空黑得可怕，不过还能清晰地分辨出被撕碎的云块，云块之间是一个个无底的黑斑。在一个黑斑上，我突然发现一颗小星星，于是就仔细地观察起来。这是因为那颗小星星提示我：我决定在今夜自杀。
I had firmly determined to do so two months before, and poor as I was, I bought a splendid revolver that very day, and loaded it. But two months had passed and it was still lying in my drawer; I was so utterly indifferent that I wanted to seize a moment when I would not be so indifferent -- why, I don't know. And so for two months every night that I came home I thought I would shoot myself. I kept waiting for the right moment. And so now this star gave me a thought. I made up my mind that it should certainly be that night. And why the star gave me the thought I don't know.
早在两个月前我就果断地下了这一决心，尽管我很穷，还是买了一支漂亮的手枪，并且在当天就装上了子弹。但是，两个月已经过去，手枪依旧放在抽屉里。可我无所谓地想最后找一个不那么无所谓的时机，为什么要这样，我自己也不知道。因此，这两个月来，我每晚回家都想自杀。我一直在等待那个机会。而现在这颗小星星提示了我，我决定今晚一定自杀。那颗小星星为什么要提示我呢，我也不明白。
And just as I was looking at the sky, this little girl took me by the elbow. The street was empty, and there was scarcely anyone to be seen. A cabman was sleeping in the distance in his cab. It was a child of eight with a kerchief on her head, wearing nothing but a wretched little dress all soaked with rain, but I noticed her wet broken shoes and I recall them now. They caught my eye particularly. She suddenly pulled me by the elbow and called me. She was not weeping, but was spasmodically crying out some words which could not utter properly, because she was shivering and shuddering all over. She was in terror about something, and kept crying, "Mammy, mammy!"
我正在仰望夜空，突然有个小女孩一把抓住我的衣袖。街道上已是空落落的，几乎不见人影。远处有个车夫在轻便马车里睡觉。小女孩约莫八岁，裹着头巾，穿件短外衣，浑身湿淋淋的。但我特别记得的是她那双湿漉漉的破皮鞋，而且现在也还记得。她那双鞋子格外引我注目。她骤然扯住我的衣袖叫喊。她没有哭，但似乎在断断续续地喊着什么，由于冷得全身打战，未能把话说清楚。她被什么事儿吓坏了，绝望地叫着：“好妈妈！好妈妈！”
I turned facing her, I did not say a word and went on; but she ran, pulling at me, and there was that note in her voice which in frightened children means despair. I know that sound. Though she did not articulate the words, I understood that her mother was dying, or that something of the sort was happening to them, and that she had run out to call someone, to find something to help her mother. I did not go with her; on the contrary, I had an impulse to drive her away. I told her first to go to a policeman. But clasping her hands, she ran beside me sobbing and gasping, and would not leave me. Then I stamped my foot and shouted at her. She called out "Sir! sir!…" but suddenly abandoned me and rushed headlong across the road. Some other passerby appeared there, and she evidently flew from me to him.
我向她扭过头去，不过什么也没有说又继续走路，但她跑上来把我拉住。她的声音里流露出一种小孩受了极度惊吓的绝望心情。我熟悉这种声音。尽管她没有把话说完，但我明白，或者是她母亲在什么地方快要死去，或者是她们在那里出了什么事，所以她跑出来叫人，想找点什么，去帮助她母亲。可是，我没有跟着她去，相反，却陡然起了赶走她的念头。起先，我要她去找警察，她却松开手，呜呜咽咽，气喘吁吁，老跟在我身边跑，不肯离开。于是，我冲她跺脚，吼一声。她只是喊着：“老爷！老爷！……”她突然离开了我，飞快地横过街去：街那边来了一个行人。看来，她不再跟着我，而去找那个行人了。
I mounted up to my fifth storey. I have a room in a flat where there are other lodgers. Mr room is small and poor, with a garret window in the shape of a semicircle. I have a sofa covered with American leather, a table with books on it, two chairs and a comfortable arm-chair, as old as old can be, but of the good old-fashioned shape. I sat down, lighted the candle, and began thinking.
我登上五楼我的住处。我没有和东家住在一起，我有自己的房间。我的房间小而简陋，有一个阁楼上常有的那种半圆形窗户。屋里有一个漆皮面沙发，一张桌子，桌上放着书，两把椅子，还有一把舒适的安乐椅，虽然十分陈旧，但却是一把伏尔泰式的高背深座椅。我坐下来，点燃蜡烛，开始思考。
In the room next to mine, through the partition wall, a perfect Bedlam was going on. It had been going on for the last three days. A retired captain lived there, and he had half a dozen visitors, gentlemen of doubtful reputation, drinking vodka and playing stoss with old cards. The night before there had been a fight, and I know that two of them had been for a long time engaged in dragging each other about by the hair. The landlady wanted to complain, but she was in abject terror of the captain.
隔壁房里一片嘈杂吵闹声，近三天来都是如此。那里住着一个退伍大尉军官，他邀来一大群客人——五、六个酒肉朋友，正在喝酒、玩牌赌博。昨晚上他们竟然打起来了，我知道，他们有两人互相揪住对方的头发久久不放。女房东想数说他们，但惧怕那大尉。
There was only one other lodger in the flat, a thin little regimental lady, on a visit to Petersburg, with three little children who had been taken ill since they came into the lodgings. Both she and her children were in mortal fear of the captain, and lay trembling and crossing themselves all night, and the youngest child had a sort of fit from fright. That captain, I know for a fact, sometimes stops people in the Nevsky Prospect and begs. They won't take him into the service, but strange to say (that's why I am telling this), all this month that the captain has been here his behaviour has caused me no annoyance. I have, of course, tried to avoid his acquaintance from the very beginning, and he, too, was bored with me from the first; but I never care how much they shout the other side of the partition nor how many of them there are in there.
住在我们这儿的还有另一家房客：一位身材瘦小的团长太太，带着三个幼小的孩子。他们住进来后小孩都病倒了。太太和孩子们都害怕大尉，怕得昏厥过去，整夜打哆嗦，画十字，她的幼子被吓得患了癫痫病。我确切知道，大尉有时候在涅瓦大街上拦路乞讨。他没有找到工作，但奇怪的是（我正要说此事），他住进来整整一个月都没有给我制造过麻烦。自然罗，从一开始我就回避同他结识，而他对我从一开头也不感兴趣。不过，他们在一墙之隔的那边，不论怎么喊叫，也不论他们是几个人——我一直都不在乎。
I sit up all night and forget them so completely that I do not even hear them. I stay awake till daybreak, and have been going on like that for the last year. I sit up all night in my arm-chair at the table, doing nothing. I only read by day. I sit -- don't even think; ideas of a sort wander through my mind and I let them come and go as they will. A whole candle is burnt every night. I sat down quietly at the table, took out the revolver and put it down before me. When I had put it down I asked myself, I remember, "Is that so?" and answered with complete conviction, "It is." That is, I shall shoot myself. I knew that I should shoot myself that night for certain, but how much longer I should go on sitting at the table I did not know. And no doubt I should have shot myself if it had not been for that little girl.
我整夜坐着，确实没有听到他们争吵、打架——甚至把他们忘了。我每晚彻夜不眠，这样已经有一年了。我通夜坐在桌旁安乐椅里什么事也不做，只在白天读读书。我这样坐着什么也不去思考，若是有什么念头在脑子里闪现，我也顺其自然。每晚要点完一支蜡烛。我静静地在桌旁坐下，把手枪拿出来放在面前。当我放下手枪时，我记得问过自己：“是这样吗？”接着就斩钉截铁地回答自己：“是这样的。”也就是自杀。我知道，我今晚一定会自杀，而在这桌旁还要坐多久——我也说不上。要不是那个小女孩出现，我肯定早已自杀了。
第二章
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更多章节：http://www.dian3x.com/story/book/6ff3e520-cc8b-404e-5edf-9b37b55fda94.html?c=toutiao
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