爱吃辣的加拿大大叔雅思托福10多年一线教学中文说得还不错，头像是他家猫在这里分享他原创的雅思写作干货每篇范文都有配音，在同名公众号“英语考试Cat”
你好呀，我是来自加拿大的雅思外教Mac。今天，给大家带来一个雅思大作文写作真题(2022年7月23日真题)的：
6分版本 vs 8.5分版本。
老规矩，以下是正文目录：
1，题目
2，审题
3，6分版本（来自我的学生）
4，Mac的批改
5，8.5分范文
6，范文解析
上题：
More and more people move from the countryside to big cities. Does this development bring more Advantages or disadvantages to the environment?
审题：
Advantages:
- Less pollution in the countryside because of fewer residents
- Environment in cities: worsen the environment in the short term; with proper management, sustainable environment in the long term
Disadvantages:
- Air pollution and water pollution because the city expands too fast to accommodate the population.
6分版本
There’s a trend that more rural residents are migrating from rural places to urban areas. Although emigration is like a double-edged sword, in my opinion, the benefits of this migration trend outweigh its drawbacks in terms of environment.
Migration is like a double-edged sword, while enabling the rapid growth of cities economically, it increases negative impacts concerning the environment. Three of the main negative environmental impacts are air, water, and garbage pollution. This is because the rapid increase of urban population inevitably demands more vehicles on the road, more factories to produce consumer goods, and more housing units for accommodation. As a result, cities, especially those without proper long-term planning, find their rapid development going side by side with a degrading environmental system, especially in the initial stage.
On the other hand, there is no doubt that the migration of population from the countryside to metropolitans means better natural environment for the former, as the removal of human habitats means the returning of vegetations and wildlife. In terms of cities, by planning the space in a way that allows for efficient functioning and applying a combination of government campaigns to generate, for instance, garbage-categorizing awareness among citizens, and policies that control carbon emissions of manufacturing businesses and encourage electric vehicles, the impact on the environment will be under control in the short term and reduced in the long run.
In conclusion, though moving from rural areas to large cities benefits the environment of the countryside while posing major environmental issues in cities; however, in my opinion, with proper ‘city-scape’ planning and campaigns, policies and administration methods, such impact can be reduced in a short period of time and in the long run, removed.
Mac的批改（实际上改写了90%）：
- 雅思写作属于正式写作，所以不要用缩写。第一句的There's需要改成There is。
- 避免there be句型。
- more and more 可以改成 an increasing amount/number of .... 或者 increasingly ... 或者 sth. is becoming ...
- rural residents are migrating from rural areas 这句话细看的话，就会发现显得重复。rural residents 来自rural areas，所以不需要加 from rural areas。
- emigration 是指从一个国家移居到另一个国家，所以不适合这里的语境。
- “环境”的正确表达是 the environment。跟the搭配的还有这几个高频词：the economy, the government, the library
- like这个词表达“像”的时候，不是很正式。所以尽量不要在雅思写作里用。
- double-edged sword （双刃剑) 在雅思文章里出现的频里太高了，慎用！
- Migration is like a double-edged sword, while enabling the rapid growth of cities economically, it increases negative impacts concerning the environment. 这句话属于典型的“一逗到底”，it指的是大量rural citizens流入城市，这个时候就可以用the mass influx of rural citizens，而不用it。这样一来，语义更清晰。
- 在雅思大作文的写作中，需要避免太'decisive'。怎么显得不那么绝对呢？我们可以用'can'，来表示一种可能性。所以'it increases negative impacts concerning the environment' 这句话可以改成'it can increase negative impacts concerning the environment'。我们看看词典上是怎么解释'can‘这个情态动词的：
- 表原因，我们最容易想到的词是'because'，咱也不是说because这个词low，但表原因的短语一大把，我们可以换着用：due to, since, for the reason that, considering, as a result of, owing to等。
- 这篇文章既然设计到city和countryside两个objects，在body 2的开头可以用 in terms of ... 这样的路标词来提醒读者，这段会讲第二个object。
- 平时多积累近义词/表达超级重要！这篇文章的environment可以约等于 habitat - ecosystem - natural surroundings - nature 等词。
清理掉批改 优化后的版本 (音频在下边，往下拉就能看到)
Mac审题：
- Type: Opinion 观点类大作文 (advantages outweigh disadvantages—treated similar to discuss and opinion)
- Body 1: disadvantages for the urban environment
- Body 2: advantages for the natural countryside environment
- Key words: advantages or disadvantages to the environment
- Model Answer 高分范文 & 范文朗读 -
▲范文音频戳这里▲
An increasing number of rural residents are migrating to urban areas. This essay shall explore both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon in relation to the environment; however, in my opinion, though I believe there are drawbacks for the urban environment, I feel the benefits for the countryside outweigh the deleterious impacts.
In terms of the metropolitan environment, one of the main detrimental effects of more people moving into cities is that it can further concentrate levels of pollution in the air and water, along with the amount of discarded refuse. While enabling the rapid growth of cities economically, this mass influx of rural citizens can increase the negative impact on the urban habitat of people. This would be due to the brisk pace of a continuous increase in the urban population inevitably demanding more vehicles on the road, more factories to produce consumer goods, and more housing units; and as a result, cities may find their rapid development side by side with a degrading urban landscape, especially in the initial stages.
On the other hand, there is no doubt that the migration of the rural population to cities means an improved natural environment, as the removal of human habitats will see a return to nature’s original state. Not only can this beautify regions, but it can also assist in helping to purify the air, particularly when an urban center is surrounded by pristine and bio-diverse regions. Endangered species, additionally, can benefit, since they will no longer be competing with humans for space, and would as well, help them benefit immensely from a cleaner environment. In essence, with humans vacating rural areas, the natural environment will see a great reduction in pollution, while simultaneously, witnessing the re-emergence of the native flora and fauna.
In conclusion, moving from rural areas to large cities, in my opinion, is largely beneficial for the environment of the countryside, owing to being cleansed of pollutants and increasing the original biodiversity of the area; yet conversely, at least in the short term, urban environments will see a deleterious outcome.
- Essay Analysis 范文解析 -
- (1) Introduction
An increasing number of rural residents are migrating to urban areas. This essay shall explore both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon in relation to the environment; however, in my opinion, though I believe there are drawbacks for the urban environment, I feel the benefits for the countryside outweigh the deleterious impacts.
Paraphrasing from the Statement/Question 题目改述:
- More and more = An increasing number of
- people from the countryside = rural residents
- move = are migrating
- big cities = urban areas
- environment = urban environment/countryside
- advantages = benefits
- disadvantages = drawbacks
Standard Phrase for the “Opinion” type essay 观点类大作文高分句型：
- This essay shall explore both the advantages and disadvantages of this phenomenon
- In relation to
- ; however, in my opinion,
- , though I believe…, I feel…
Words showing Cohesion (C&C) 展示“连贯与衔接”的词汇和短语:
- This
- both
- ; however,
- , though
Vocabulary 高分地道词汇和短语：
- rural residents 乡村居民
- urban areas 城市区域
- deleterious 有害的
- (2) Body 1 -
Aspects that must be referred to 这段需要提到：
- disadvantages for urban environment
In terms of the metropolitan environment, one of the main detrimental effects of more people moving into cities is that it can further concentrate levels of pollution in the air and water, along with the amount of discarded refuse. While enabling the rapid growth of cities economically, this mass influx of rural citizens can increase the negative impact on the urban habitat of people. This would be due to the brisk pace of a continuous increase in the urban population inevitably demanding more vehicles on the road, more factories to produce consumer goods, and more housing units; and as a result, cities may find their rapid development side by side with a degrading urban landscape, especially in the initial stages.
Standard IELTS essay phrase 雅思高频句型：
- In terms of
- One of the main…is that
Vocabulary and Collocations 高分地道词汇和短语：
- metropolitan environment 都市环境
- detrimental effects of 不利的影响；有害的影响
- further concentrate 更加集中
- discarded refuse 丢弃的垃圾
- the rapid growth of ……的快速增长
- economically 经济上
- mass influx of 大量注入；大量流入
- urban habitat 都市居住地
- brisk pace 快速成长
- a continuous increase 持续增长
- inevitably 不可避免地
- on the road 在路上
- consumer goods 消费品
- side by side with 和……一道
- degrading 退化；降低
- landscape 景致
Words Showing Cohesion [Signposting words, conjunctions, relative pronouns] (C&C) 展示“连贯与衔接”的词汇和短语：
- Is that
- , along with
- While enabling…, this
- This would
- due to
- more___, more___, and more___
- ; and as a result,
- Especially
- In the initial stages
- (3) Body 2 -
Aspects that must be referred to 这段需要提到：
- Advantages for the countryside
On the other hand, there is no doubt that the migration of the rural population to cities means an improved natural environment, as the removal of human habitats will see a return to nature’s original state. Not only can this beautify regions, but it can also assist in helping to purify the air, particularly when an urban center is surrounded by pristine and bio-diverse regions. Endangered species, additionally, can benefit, since they will no longer be competing with humans for space, and would as well, help them benefit immensely from a cleaner environment. In essence, with humans vacating rural areas, the natural environment will see a great reduction in pollution, while simultaneously, witnessing the re-emergence of the native flora and fauna.
Standard IELTS essay phrase 雅思高频句型：
- there is no doubt that
Vocabulary and Collocations 高分地道词汇和短语：
- nature’s original state 自然界原本的状态
- beautify 美化
- purify 净化
- urban center 城市中心
- pristine 处于原始状态的；崭新的
- bio-diverse 生物多样性
- endangered species 濒危物种
- immensely 极大地
- vacating 搬出
- a great reduction in 大量减少
- simultaneously 同时
- the re-emergence of 再出现
- flora and fauna 动植物
Words Showing Cohesion [Signposting words, conjunctions, relative pronouns] (C&C) 展示“连贯与衔接”的词汇和短语：
- On the other hand
- means
- , as
- will see
- Not only can this…, but it can also
- , particularly when
- , additionally
- , since they
- , and would
- them
- In essence,
- , while simultaneously
- (4) Conclusion -
In conclusion, moving from rural areas to large cities, in my opinion, is largely beneficial for the environment of the countryside, owing to being cleansed of pollutants and increasing the original biodiversity of the area; yet conversely, at least in the short term, urban environments will see a deleterious outcome.
Standard IELTS essay phrase 雅思高频句型：
- In conclusion,
- , in my opinion,
Vocabulary and Collocations 高分地道词汇和短语：
- largely beneficial 对……有益
- cleansed of 清理；净化
- pollutants 污染物
- bio-diversity 生物多样性
- a deleterious outcome 有害后果
Words Showing Cohesion [Signposting words, conjunctions, relative pronouns] (C&C) 展示“连贯与衔接”的词汇和短语：
- moving
- , owing to being
- ; yet conversely,
- , at least in the short-term,
以上就是我今天分享的关于雅思的部分干货，如果你在考雅思，或单纯想提升英语，做1个动作：点击关注我，及时收看更多干货好文。
祝各位早日和雅思分手，加油！
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