Sarah DiGiulio Psychology心理探寻 2019-01-23 14:00
常见情形
你不觉得你太敏感，太小题大做了吗！
我不想跟你谈这个，你也不要总是说我，一个巴掌拍不响，你想想看你要是没问题，我会这样子吗？
我说那些话根本不是这个意思，你要非这么想，我也没办法，那是你自己的问题！
我根本没这么说过！你也就会瞎编！
不就随口说一句嘛，你也太开不起玩笑了吧！你这种性格真的有问题！
我当初是有点不对，但你也太能记仇了吧！一点都不宽容！
有这么跟父母说话的吗？你太不孝了，自私，不懂感恩！
你抱怨什么抱怨？女人不都这样过来的？你也太娇气太矫情了吧！大概你有点心理问题了。
你变了，变得太现实，太物质了，跟那些中年妇女有什么区别！
我父母都是为你好，是你多想了！他们辛苦养我，你让一让又能怎么样？你也太小心眼太斤斤计较了，你好好反省一下！
什么是“煤气灯式心理操纵（Gaslighting）”？
“Oh come on. I never said that.”“You’re just being overly sensitive.”“I don’t know why you’re making such a big deal out of this…”
“得了吧，我根本没说过。”
“你也太敏感了吧。”
“真搞不懂你干嘛这么小题大做！”
Psychologists use the term “gasLighting” to refer to a specific type of manipulation where the manipulator is trying to get someone else (or a group of people) to question their own reality, memory or perceptions.
“Gaslighting”（煤气灯）在心理学上指一种心理操纵方式，即操纵者试图让对方（一个或一群人）去质疑自己对事实的理解、记忆或观点。
术语来源
George Cukor’s Gaslight（1944） stars Ingrid Bergmanas a naive, sweet young woman named Paula who as a young girl witnessed the murder of her beloved aunt (and guardian) at their home. Years later, in Italy, she meets and marries dashing Gregory (Charles Boyer) who is in fact Sergius Bauer, her aunt's murderer, who returns with her to London to live in the house she inherited from her aunt, which is also the house where the murder occurred.
George Cukor 1944年的电影 《Gaslight》中，女主Paula年轻、天真、甜美。她青少年时曾在家中目睹自己的姨妈（看护人）被杀害。数年之后，在意大利，她遇到了风度翩翩的Gregory，（实际上就是当年杀害她姨妈的凶手）并与之结婚。两人返回伦敦，居住在她姨妈留给Paula的房子中，她姨妈当年也正是在这幢房子中遇害。
But slowly, over time, Paula begins to doubt her sanity. Gregory tells her that she’s becoming forgetful and fitful, acting in irregular ways. He confines her to the house, and tells everyone she’s not well. At night she hears knocking in the walls. She sees the gas lighting dim. But he tells her she’s imagining things. The footsteps Paula hears in the attic are actually his. He has been secretly rummaging through Alice's belongings in the attic to find the jewels he is certain are there. The flickering gaslights he claims she has imagined are in fact caused by his turning the attic lights on, thus reducing the flow of gas to the downstairs lights.
但慢慢地，Paula开始怀疑自己神志错乱。Gregory告诉她她正变得健忘而且时常发作，行为不正常。他不让她外出，告诉每个人她生病了。晚上，Paula听到有人敲墙壁，也看到煤气灯变暗，但Gregory都告诉她这些都是她臆想出来的。实际上Paula听到的阁楼里的脚步声就是Gregory的。他一直都在偷偷翻阁楼里存放的Paula姨妈的物品，想要找到他觊觎已久的珠宝。而至于煤气灯变暗，实际上也是因为他打开阁楼里的灯时，减弱了煤气量，因此楼下煤气灯才会变暗。
解读剖析
It may start out with seemingly small offenses. But the problem is that even more-or-less insignificant instances of you questioning your own judgment or reality — thanks to the deliberate intent of someone else — can snowball. You can end up in a cycle of not being able to negotiate your daily life in a way where you are clear minded, can focus, can make sound decisions, and have a sense of well-being
这种情形刚开始时可能只是一些看起来鸡毛蒜皮的小矛盾，但问题是，当你开始质疑自己的判断、质疑自己眼中的客观事实，无论多么琐碎细微不足为道，都会像滚雪球一般逐渐严重。你可能会陷入这样的循环：日常生活中，你无法保持头脑清醒，无法集中注意力，无法做出正确判断，也无法产生幸福感。
Gaslighting happens in personal relationships (think an abusive spouse or, in rarer cases, parent), in professional relationships (a manipulative boss or coworker preying on a subordinate), and even by public figures. There are several examples of gaslighting being done by President Donald Trump and his administration。
无论个人关系、职业关系或一些公众人物，都可见到煤气灯式心理操纵的身影。个人关系，比如配偶或父母；职业关系，比如擅于操纵的老板或欺负下属的同事等。川普总统和他的政府班子也是煤气灯式心理操纵的好手。
No matter whether it’s happening in a marriage, between a leader and his or her constituency or elsewhere, it’s important to be aware of the red flags that you (or someone you know) might be a victim — which is the first step to getting out of the abusive situation.
无论是在婚姻之中，或是在上级下属之中或是其他地方，了解煤气灯式心理操纵的一些信号，知道你可能正在受到这样的操纵，这是走出这种虐待情形的第一步。
GASLIGHTING USUALLY HAPPENS IN A POWER DYNAMIC, BUT IT’S NOT ALWAYS INTENTIONAL OR MALICIOUS
煤气灯式心理操纵常见于力量不平衡的关系中，但也并非总是蓄意为之或出于恶意。
There usually tends to be a power dynamic when gaslighting happens. The manipulator holds enough power that the target of the gaslighting is terrified to change up [the relationship] or step out of the gaslighting dynamic because the threat of losing that relationship — or the threat of being seen as less than who you want to be seen as to them — is quite a threat。
煤气灯式心理操纵常见于力量悬殊关系中。操纵者拥有足够的“力量”，以至于受害者害怕改变（这段关系），或害怕走出这种操纵模式，因为受害者担心会失去对方，或担心会不利于自己在对方心中的形象，这种担心着实极具震慑力。
If it’s happening by someone you love and care about (like a spouse or parent), you’re going to WANT to believe the other person — and the gaslighter may use that against you。
如果操纵者是你爱的人、你在乎的人，比如你的配偶或父母，你会潜意识地想要去相信对方，而对方则会利用这一点来操纵你。
Many people change their perceptions in order to avoid having a conflict.
很多人为避免冲突，也会改变自己的观点。
But, the gaslighter doesn’t necessarily need to be acting with malicious intent — nor does the gaslighter necessarily need to realize that she or he is gaslighting another person for it to be happening.
但煤气灯式心理操纵者并不一定就是出于恶意，也并不一定非得知道这个词才能去实施。
It might be a result of how you were raised. Maybe your parents had very cut-and-dry beliefs and that certainty is how they (and now you) see the world and when someone sees things differently you assume something is wrong with them.
这种行为方式可能源于你的成长环境。可能你的父母很是固执，他们笃信不疑他们的（现在也是你的）世界观，当有人与你的看法不同时，你首先会认为这些人本身有问题。
BE WARY OF GASLIGHTING IF YOU START TO QUESTION YOURSELF A LOT
当你开始经常自我质疑时，就要当心是不是受到了“煤气灯式心理操纵”。
Recognizing that you or someone you care about might be in a “gaslight tango” is not always as straightforward as it might seem because it can start in very subtle ways — and often involves two people (or groups of people) who would otherwise seem to care about one another very much.
煤气灯式心理操纵刚开始时迹象可能十分微妙，因此不易察觉——如果不往这方面想的话，通常会让人错误解读为这两个人（或群体之间）非常在乎对方。
The term “gaslighting” actually comes from a 1938 play, “Gas Light” (which was turned into a more widely known movie in 1944, “Gaslight”), where a husband manipulates his wife to make her think she’s actually losing her sense of reality so he can commit her to a mental institution and steal her inheritance. Not all real-life examples are so diabolical。
“煤气灯”这个词实际上源自1938年的一个话剧“Gas Light”，这部话剧后来被改编为广为人知的电影 Gaslight。故事情节是一位丈夫对妻子心理操纵，让妻子深信她自己出现幻觉，精神有问题，这样他就可以将她送入精神病院，将她的遗产归为己有。当然在现实生活中，并非所有的案例都这么恶贯满盈。
A subtler example might be a mother always disapproving of her daughter’s decisions to the extent that the daughter questions decisions she suspects her mother would not agree with. The mother may or may not consciously want to control her daughter’s every decision, but by being overly critical she’s doing so.
一个比较微妙的例子，可能是一位母亲常常否决她女儿的决定，以至于当她女儿做出一些决定，但又觉得她母亲可能不会同意时，她就会质疑自己的这些决定。这位母亲可能是有意为之，也可能是并非有意为之，但她总是过度加以批判，因此导致事实是，她的确是在对自己女儿的每个决定都施加了控制。
典型策略
According to the National Domestic Violence Hotline’s fact sheet, the techniques a gaslighter might use to manipulate someone else can include:
根据国家家庭暴力热线资料，煤气灯式心理操纵者可能采用的操纵方式包括：
Withholding (meaning he or she refuses to listen or says they don’t understand)
1. 回避拒绝（他/她拒绝倾听，或者直接说不懂你在说什么）
Countering (when the abuser questions the gaslightee’s memory of an event)
2. 反驳（质疑对方对一件事情的记忆）
Blocking/diverting (when the abuser changes the subject or questions the victim’s thinking)
3. 阻截/转移（顾左右而言他，更改话题或质疑对方思维）
Trivializing (making the victim’s needs or feelings seem unimportant)
4. 不以为意，不屑一顾（认为对方的需求或感受无足轻重）
Forgetting/denial (when the manipulator pretends to have forgotten what actually happened or denies something he or she had previously agreed to)
5. 忘记/否认（假装忘记实际发生的事情，或否认他/她之前曾同意的事情）
And note that a gaslighter will oftentimes start with something that is true that you might be particularly sensitive about to hook you. A coworker, for example, who tries to convince you that you’re not pulling your weight in the office might bring up the fact that you complain all the time about menopause making you feel lousy. You may be feeling lousy because you’re going through menopause (and that coworker may have heard you complaining about it once or twice), but that doesn’t necessarily mean that your performance is changing because of it, Stern explains.
需要注意的是，煤气灯式心理操纵者通常在开始时会用一些你可能会极为敏感的事实来诱你上钩。比如说，一位同事想要让你认为你自己并没有做好份内工作，他可能会提起这样的事实：你总是在抱怨说停经让你整个人感觉很糟糕。你可能也的确因为停经而感觉很糟糕，（而且这位同事可能也有一两次听到你抱怨过），但这并不一定就意味着你的工作表现受到了影响。
受害迹象
Look for these warning signs and red flags the type of abuse might be happening to you (or someone you know):
应注意以下迹象和警示，它们表明你（或你认识的人）可能正在受到这种类型的心理操纵：
You’re constantly second guessing yourself or have trouble making decisions;
1. 你总是质疑自己，或难以做出决定；
You’re ruminating about a perceived character flaw (like being too sensitive or not a good enough person);
2. 你纠结于别人给你指出的性格缺陷，如过于敏感，或不够好；
You feel confused about your relationship (if you find yourself thinking: “I thought I had this great husband, but I just feel crazy all the time” or “I thought I had this charming partner, but then sometimes I feel like I’m losing it when we’re together”);
3. 你对自己的感情关系感到疑惑（像是你发现自己会这么想“我觉得我老公非常棒，但是我就是总觉得很疯狂”，或“我觉得我的另一半很有魅力，但当我们在一起时，有时候我感觉我好像就会情绪失常，难以理智冷静”）
In a confrontation with the person that might be gaslighting you, you feel like you suddenly find yourself in an argument you didn’t intend to have, you’re not making progress or you’re saying the same thing over and over again and not being heard;
4. 当对峙对方时，你突然发现你们争吵的内容偏题了，根本不是你要吵的内容，你没有得到任何进展，或你一遍又一遍地重复同样的东西但对方根本不理会你所讲的内容。
You feel fuzzy or unclear about your thoughts, feelings, or beliefs;
5. 你对自己的想法、感觉或信念等感觉一团模糊或混沌。
You’re always apologizing;
6. 你总是在道歉；
You’re frequently making excuses for your partner’s behavior;
7. 你不断地为对方的行为寻找借口；
You can’t understand why you’re not happy in your own life; or
8. 你搞不懂为什么在你的生活中你不快乐；
You know something is wrong, but you just don’t know what.
9. 你知道有某个地方不对劲，但你不知道到底是哪里出了问题。
怎么办？
And finally, what do you do if you do recognize that someone is gaslighting you? Here’s what Stern suggests:
最后，当你意识到别人在对你进行“煤气灯式心理操纵”时，该怎么办呢？
Identify the problem. Recognizing the problem is the first step, Once something has a name you can being to address it specifically and granularly. (Sometimes writing down specifics from a conversation that you can look back to later — when you’re out of the heat of the moment — can be helpful in sorting out the truth from distortion.)
1. 明确问题症结：第一步要认识到问题。一旦某样东西有了名字，你就可以有针对性地去处理。（有时候将一段对话中的具体内容写下来，以便于在之后（冷静下来时）回顾，这有助于将实际事实与扭曲言论区别开来）
Give yourself permission to feel what you feel. Part of the problem with gaslighting is that it results in the victim questioning his or her own thoughts, values, perceptions or feelings. Acknowledge that what you feel is what you feel so that you can take whatever action you need to take to feel better.
2. 允许自己接受自己的感受。煤气灯式心理操纵所产生的问题中，一部分是会导致受害者质疑自己的想法、价值观、观点或感受。承认你的感受，这样你才可以采取所需的行动让自己感觉好起来；
Give yourself permission to make a sacrifice. Part of what makes it tough for a victim to leave a gaslight tango is that the abuser is someone they care about, they look up to, or they have a relationship with. “You may have a lot of wonderful things going on in that relationship,” Stern says — but it’s not worth it if it’s undermining your reality. And to start to regain your sense of self that you’ve lost, you may need to cut that person off, give up some of those wonderful things, or live with that person not having such a high opinion of you, she says.
3. 允许自己做出牺牲。对于这种心理操纵的受害者而言，离开这种操纵关系，难处之一在于施害者恰恰是他们所在乎、所仰望或与其处于恋爱关系中的人。你们的恋爱关系可能会有很多美好之处，但如果这段恋爱关系扭曲了你对现实的认知，那么这段恋情就不值得。想要重新找回你已经失去的自我，你可能需要与对方切断关系，放弃一些美好的东西，或接受“对方根本没那么高看你”这一事实。”
Start with making small decisions. To get out of or to stop a gaslight, take one step at a time. Say no. Don’t engage in an argument that’s clearly a power struggle.
4. 从做出小决定开始。要走出或停止被如此心理操纵，应一步步来。要学会说不。当争吵很明显已经变成了“权力斗争”，那就不要再吵下去了。
Get a second opinion. Ask a friend or family member you trust if they think your thinking is as off as your potential abuser says it is.
5. 询问他人意见。询问一位你信任的朋友或家人，问他们是不是也认为你的思维有问题。
Have compassion for YOU. “Having compassion for yourself is super important,” Stern says. You’re responsible to you. You need to be honest with yourself, Stern notes. Maybe tomorrow your partner will be great, but focus on what you’re feeling in the moment, she says. Recognize when you have those feelings:“Right now this feels like sh-t. He’s driving me crazy.”
6. 对自己抱有同情心。对自己抱有同情心，这一点至关重要。Stern说道。你对你自己负责，你需要对自己坦诚。可能明天你的另一半会非常棒，但你应聚焦于你当前的感受。认可你的那些感受：“现在我感觉真TM操蛋，他要把我逼疯了。”
