I was sitting at the dinner table
我坐在餐桌边
with my mother and step father
母亲和继父跟我坐在一起
discussing two different family drama situations
我们正讨论着家里发生过的两个有趣的轶事
when my mom gasps
忽然，妈妈倒吸了一口气
and her mouth is hanging wide open.
嘴巴张的大大的
She isn't speaking
她一句话也说不出来
so I go and look on her phone
我探身过去看她的手机
and it's a friend request on social website
原来是社交网上的一个好友申请
from my big sister
来自我的姐姐
who we both haven't spoken to in four years
我们已经跟姐姐断绝往来四年了
when all of my sisters got pissed at my mom
那时我的姐姐们都对母亲非常生气
over lies about their childhood spread by their biological father.
因为母亲在她们的生父这件事上撒了谎
They abandoned me too
她们也抛弃了我
since I was still living with her.
因为我和母亲住在一起
I lean over
我靠过去
and hug my mom over the shoulders
抱住了母亲的肩膀
and tuck my head in between her jaw and shoulder
把脑袋塞到她的下巴底下，肩膀上面的位置
as I myself start getting teary eyed.
自己也开始眼泪婆娑
She says
母亲说
"I don't want to accept it right away
我不能现在就接受邀请
that would be weird"
那会看起来很奇怪
and as she finishes saying this
她刚说完这句话
messenger is ringing
发现手机响了
and it's my big sister calling.
是我姐姐打来的
They talked for over two hours
他们谈了两个多小时
and hearing my sister
能够听到姐姐的声音
who I haven't seen or heard from in four years
——四年里从没见面，音讯全无的姐姐
and hearing my niece and nephew
听到我侄子和侄女的声音
who were one and three years old the last time I saw them
——上一次见面时一个才一岁，一个三岁
speaking words and full comprehendible sentences
如今他们已经开始说话，说出完整的，能让人听懂的句子
was the best thing ever.
这真是最棒的事情
The last time I saw them
上一次我看到他们
they were so little.
他们还那么小
I tell my mom after the phone call is done
母亲挂了电话之后，我对她说
that I'm going to wait for my sister to add me
我会等着姐姐来接我
and give her space.
给她一点空间
About thirty minutes later
大约三十分钟后
the notification popped up on my phone.
我的手机上弹出了一则通知
She sent me a friend request.
她给我发送了好友申请
I needed this.
我需要它
I needed this more than I actually knew.
我对它的需要超过了自己所知
A question I have been pondering lately is
最近我一直在思考一个问题
how does one grieve the living?
人们为什么要为还尚在的人缅怀感伤？
I missed my big sister.
我想念姐姐
I missed my niece and nephew.
我想念我的侄子侄女
I only met her 11 years ago
十一年前，我才第一次见到她
different dads, same moms, both remarried
同母异父，双方的家长都已经再婚
but at the time she came into my life
但是，她出现在我生活里的时候
I was in third grade
我才三年级
and I loved the fact that
我为此由衷欣喜
I finally had a sister living with me,
因为我终于有一个姐姐与我同住了
someone who I could hold onto
有人可以依靠
when I was scared,
当我害怕的时候
someone who would be there for me.
有人会陪在我身边
I just never thought
只是我没有想到
I would get to see her or hear from her again.
自己还能再见到她，听到她的消息
I was scared that
曾经我十分害怕
when the time came for me to have a child
当我的孩子出生的时候
that they wouldn't ever meet their cousins.
他们不会见到自己的堂哥堂姐
I missed my big sister.
我想念我的姐姐
I missed her so much.
非常非常想念。
