Wielded wisely, No is an instrument of integrity and a shield against exploitation. It often takes courage to say. It is hard to receive. But setting limits sets us free.
明智地运用，No是正直的工具，是抵御剥削的盾牌。说出来往往需要勇气。很难接受。但设定限制让我们自由。
OK, No costs. Your payoff in integrity and autonomy, however, is huge. The choice on the table is clear: Strengthen your ability to say No while lowering its cost to your relationships. Several strategies can help you achieve that balance.
是的，说不可能会让你付出代价。然而，你在正直和自主方面的回报是巨大的。摆在桌面上的选择是明确的：加强你说不的能力，同时降低它对你的人际关系的成本。有几种策略可以帮助您实现这种平衡。
Replace your automatic Yes with "I'll think about it."If you haven't used this technique much, you will be awed by the results. "I'll think about it" puts you in control, softens the ground for No, suggests you are actually weighing important factors, and, most important, allows you the opportunity to think things through. A No that follows thoughtful decision making is a more grounded fence than a No that is fueled by emotional impulse.
用“我会考虑的”替换你自动的“是”如果你没有经常使用这种技术，你会对结果感到敬畏。“我会想一想”会让你控制局面，为“不”打下坚实的基础，表明你实际上在权衡重要因素，最重要的是，它让你有机会把事情想清楚。深思熟虑的决策后的“不”比情绪冲动下的“不”更具根基。
Soften your language.Try "I'm not comfortable with that." "I'd prefer not." "I'd rather..." "Let's agree to disagree here." Or "That's a good/nice/interesting plan, but I won't be able to..." This last is a variant of the Oreo cookie communication strategy, in which you say something positive ("You are such a warm and charming person"), sandwich in the filling of a tactful No ("I don't think you and I have a romantic future"), and then end with another cookie ("I have so enjoyed the time we've spent together; you really make me laugh").
Make no mistake. You are still delivering a clear and powerful No, and the other person well understands that. This No, sweeter and softer, may go down better.
软化你的语言试着说“我不喜欢这样。”“我不喜欢这样。”“我宁愿……”“让我们在这里同意不同意见。”或者“这是一个好的/不错的/有趣的计划，但我不能……”最后一个是奥利奥饼干交流策略的变体，你可以说一些积极的话（“你是一个热情迷人的人”），三明治里充满了委婉的拒绝（“我认为你和我没有浪漫的未来”），然后以另一块饼干结束（“我非常享受我们在一起的时光；你真的让我发笑”）。
别搞错了。你仍然在表达一个明确而有力的“不”，而另一个人很清楚这一点。这个不，更甜，更软，可能会更好。
Contain your feelings.No is best deployed pleasantly with an air of Zen calm. (Tricky, because you are likely feeling very far from it.) Outward calm helps quiet your inner turmoil. What's more, it will reduce the negative impact of your No on the brain of your audience. The jolt that No delivers is big enough without a tsunami of anger and invective.
克制你的感情“不”最好是以一种禅宗的平静气氛愉快地展开。（很棘手，因为你可能感觉离它很远。）外表的平静有助于平息内心的混乱。更重要的是，它将减少你的“不”对听众大脑的负面影响。没有愤怒和谩骂的海啸，任何人所带来的冲击都是足够大的。
Refer to your commitment to others.Say No without appearing selfish or uncaring by referencing your conflicting obligations to other people. "I'd love to help, but I have already agreed to help my mother/colleague/ student then, and I can't let him/her down."
提及你对他人的承诺说“不”，不要表现出自私或漠不关心的样子，向他人提及你相互冲突的义务。“我很想帮忙，但我已经同意帮助我的母亲/同事/学生，我不能让他/她失望。”
Realize you represent others.Wharton's Adam Grant suggests that you are likely to negotiate more assertively if you recognize, or even imagine, that you are negotiating a salary on behalf of your family or negotiating a sale on behalf of your company. When it's not just your own interest at stake, you may find it easier to say No to a lowball offer.
意识到你代表了其他人沃顿商学院的亚当·格兰特（Adam Grant）建议，如果你认识到，甚至想象你正在代表你的家庭谈判工资或代表你的公司谈判销售，那么你可能会更加自信地进行谈判。当不仅仅是你自己的利益受到威胁时，你可能会发现对一个卑鄙的提议说不更容易。
RehearseOngoing situations—a demanding boss who keeps piling on the work, a needy family member who never limits her requests, a mate who badgers until you cave—can benefit from your thoughtful, private rehearsal.
You may design one clear, respectful No and keep repeating it no matter what comes your way. ("I cannot take on another project, Sir, because my plate is too full." "I cannot take on another project, Sir, because my plate is too full.") Repeat politely until the boss finally hears you.You may practice calmly cutting the conversation short. ("Honey, you and I don't agree on this. Let's close the conversation.") He goes on; you go silent.Or, if you practice long enough, you might just become strong enough to listen to any inappropriate, uncomfortable, excessive request, pause for breath, and then deliver your one-word, no-explanation verdict: No.
排练
持续不断的情况——一个要求很高的老板，总是把工作压得喘不过气来；一个穷困的家庭成员，从不限制自己的要求；一个纠缠不休直到你屈服的伴侣，可以从你深思熟虑的私人彩排中获益。
你可以设计一个明确的，尊重的“不”，并不断重复它，无论发生什么事。（“我不能接另一个项目，先生，因为我的盘子太满了。”“我不能接另一个项目，先生，因为我的盘子太满了。”）礼貌地重复一遍，直到老板终于听到你。
你可以练习冷静地缩短对话。（“亲爱的，你和我在这一点上意见不一致。让我们结束谈话。”）他接着说；你沉默了。
或者，如果你练习的时间足够长，你可能会变得足够强壮，能够倾听任何不适当、不舒服、过度的要求，停下来喘口气，然后说出你的一句话，没有解释的结论：不。
