欧亨利结婚手册概括（欧亨利精确的婚姻科学）(1)

The Exact Science of Matrimony

精确的婚姻科学

作者 | 欧·亨利

译者 | 崔爽

原著 | 《欧·亨利短篇小说精选》

The Exact Science of Matrimony音频：00:0017:12

"As I have told you before," said Jeff Peters, "I never had much confidence in the perfidiousness of woman. As partners or coeducators in the most innocent line of graft they are not trustworthy."

“我跟你讲过吧，”杰夫·彼得斯说，“对于女性从事欺诈事业这行，我从来不抱信心。即便在最简单的骗局里，不论作为搭档还是同谋，女人都不可靠。”

"They deserve the compliment," said I. "I think they are entitled to be called the honest sex."

“这话不假，”我说，“这个性别的人可以称得上是天性诚实。”

"Why shouldn't they be?" said Jeff. "They've got the other sex either grafting or working overtime for 'em. They're all right in business until they get their emotions or their hair touched up too much. Then you want to have a flat footed, heavy breathing man with sandy whiskers, five kids and a building and loan mortgage ready as an understudy to take her desk. Now there was that widow lady that me and Andy Tucker engaged to help us in that little matrimonial agency scheme we floated out in Cairo.

“那可不！”杰夫说，“自会有男人们替她们出头行骗或者拼死卖命。其实她们做事本来也不差，可一旦牵扯上感情，或者有虚荣心作祟，她们就不行啦。这时候，你就宁可找个平脚板、黄胡子、嘴里臭烘烘、养着五个孩子、还要还按揭贷款供养房子的汉子。比如说吧，在开罗时，曾经有一位寡妇太太，我和安迪·塔克有次找过她帮我们实施一场中介骗局。”

"When you've got enough advertising capital—say a roll as big as the little end of a wagon tongue—there's money in matrimonial agencies. We had about $6,000 and we expected to double it in two months, which is about as long as a scheme like ours can be carried on without taking out a New Jersey charter.”

“如果你有钱去报上登广告——差不多就是跟车辕头那般粗细的一卷钱好了——就已经有足够的资本办一家婚姻介绍所了。那时候，我俩手头上估摸着统共也就六千块，还指望着在两个月内能翻上一番。两个月正适宜于实施我们的计划，而又不必拿到新泽西州的执照。

"We fixed up an advertisement that read about like this:

"Charming widow, beautiful, home loving, 32 years, possessing $3,000 cash and owning valuable country property, would remarry. Would prefer a poor man with affectionate disposition to one with means, as she realizes that the solid virtues are oftenest to be found in the humble walks of life. No objection to elderly man or one of homely appearance if faithful and true and competent to manage property and invest money with judgment. Address, with particulars."

Lonely,

Care of Peters & Tucker, agents, Cairo, Ill.

我俩拟了一则广告，内容如下：

魅力寡妇，貌美如花，年方卅二，勤俭爱家。手持现金三千及乡间值钱物业，有意再嫁。愿觅性情温良郎君一名，贫富不拘，因其心知出身微贱之人多具美德。若为人忠厚可靠且擅理财慎投资，无论年龄相貌均不计较。来信详尽为佳。

伊利诺伊州开罗市

彼得斯和塔克事务所收转

寂寞人

"'So far, so pernicious, says I, when we had finished the literary concoction. 'And now, says I, 'where is the lady.

“忽悠得真不错，”拼凑出这么一篇文字之后，我感叹道，‘现在的问题是，上哪儿去找这位太太？”

"Andy gives me one of his looks of calm irritation.

“安迪冲我白了一眼，那种又冷静又不耐烦的眼神只有他才做得出来。”

"'Jeff, says he, 'I thought you had lost them ideas of realism in your art. Why should there be a lady? When they sell a lot of watered stock on Wall Street would you expect to find a mermaid in it? What has a matrimonial ad got to do with a lady?

“杰夫，”他说，“我还以为你从业生涯中早就把这种现实主义抛诸脑后了，我们需要找一位太太吗？华尔街抛售掺水股时，你还指望能在里头找着美人鱼啊？征婚广告跟太太有什么关系？’”

"'Now listen, says I. 'You know my rule, Andy, that in all my illegitimate inroads against the legal letter of the law the article sold must be existent, visible, producible. In that way and by a careful study of city ordinances and train schedules I have kept out of all trouble with the police that a five dollar bill and a cigar could not square. Now, to work this scheme we've got to be able to produce bodily a charming widow or its equivalent with or without the beauty, hereditaments and appurtenances set forth in the catalogue and writ of errors, or hereafter be held by a justice of the peace.

“你听我说，”我向他解释，“你知道我的规矩，安迪，在我经手的所有不法买卖中，有货出售就代表着确有其物，拿得出、看得见。正因为坚持这个原则，再加上我仔细研究市政法令和火车时刻表的好习惯，我才能一次又一次避免和警察之间的麻烦——要知道，一旦招惹上警察，可不是五块十块或者一支雪茄烟就能搞定的。我们既然要实施这个计划，就必须拿得出一位货真价实的魅力寡妇——最不济也得有个差不离的女人，至于是不是貌美如花，有没有那些个物产这些问题倒是可以糊弄过去，否则治安官肯定会揪着咱们不放。’”

"'Well, says Andy, reconstructing his mind, 'maybe it would be safer in case the post office or the peace commission should try to investigate our agency. But where, he says, 'could you hope to find a widow who would waste time on a matrimonial scheme that had no matrimony in it?

“好吧，”安迪说，‘万一邮局或者治安机关来调查我们的婚介所，按你说的做也许会保险一些。可你上哪儿找一位愿意浪费时间的寡妇来配合我们这个压根儿没有婚姻的婚介把戏啊？’”

"I told Andy that I thought I knew of the exact party. An old friend of mine, Zeke Trotter, who used to draw soda water and teeth in a tent show, had made his wife a widow a year before by drinking some dyspepsia cure of the old doctor's instead of the liniment that he always got boozed up on. I used to stop at their house often, and I thought we could get her to work with us.

“我告诉安迪，我有一个绝佳的人选。我认识个叫齐克·特罗特的老友，以前在大篷车剧场卖苏打水，还兼职给人拔牙。去年，他舍弃了一直以来都能让他酩酊大醉的那种万能药，心血来潮喝了一个老医生开的消化药水，结果害得他老婆当了寡妇。我经常去他们家，也许能说动她来帮咱们的忙。”

"'Twas only sixty miles to the little town where she lived, so I jumped out on the I. C. and finds her in the same cottage with the same sunflowers and roosters standing on the washtub. Mrs. Trotter fitted our ad first rate except, maybe for beauty and age and property valuation. But she looked feasible and praiseworthy to the eye, and it was a kindness to Zeke's memory to give her the job.

“我们离她家小镇不过六十英里路，我跳上一列火车赶到那里。她还住在原先那栋小木屋里，屋外那几棵向日葵还活着，洗衣盆里还站着公鸡。特罗特太太真是完美地符合我们广告上的条件了——尽管在相貌、年龄和资产方面有着些许出入。但她看上去还是有几分姿色的。况且，给她这份工作，也算是对得住已故的齐克了。”

"'Is this an honest deal you are putting on, Mr. Peters, she asks me when I tell her what we want.

“你们做的是正经生意吗，彼得斯先生？”我说完来意之后，她问我。

"'Mrs. Trotter, says I, 'Andy Tucker and me have computed the calculation that 3,000 men in this broad and unfair country will endeavor to secure your fair hand and ostensible money and property through our advertisement. Out of that number something like thirty hundred will expect to give you in exchange, if they should win you, the carcass of a lazy and mercenary loafer, a failure in life, a swindler and contemptible fortune seeker.

“特罗特太太，”我说，“我跟安迪·塔克都算好了，在咱们这个公道不存的庞大国家里，至少会有三千名男性看过广告之后，想来博得您的青睐以及那些无中生有的财产。这其中大约又会有三百人将要与您做交易，假若他们中的一个赢得了您的芳心，您能得到的只是一副懒惰无比、游手好闲的臭皮囊、生活失败者、满口谎言的骗子或者可耻的淘金者。’”

"'Me and Andy, says I, 'propose to teach these preyers upon society a lesson. It was with difficulty, says I, 'that me and Andy could refrain from forming a corporation under the title of the Great Moral and Millennial Malevolent Matrimonial Agency. Does that satisfy you?

“我和安迪，”我接着说，“只是想给这些社会渣滓一个教训。我俩原本想直接开一间“道德福祉与千年孽缘婚介所”的。这么说您满意吗？’”

"'It does, Mr. Peters, says she. 'I might have known you wouldn't have gone into anything that wasn't opprobrious. But what will my duties be? Do I have to reject personally these 3,000 rapscallions you speak of, or can I throw them out in bunches?

“满意，彼得斯先生，”她回答，“我知道您不会干那些伤天害理的事情。可我要做些什么呀？是要一一拒绝您所说的这三千流氓呢，还是可以一股脑儿把他们赶出去？’”

"'Your job, Mrs. Trotter, says I, 'will be practically a cynosure. You will live at a quiet hotel and will have no work to do. Andy and I will attend to all the correspondence and business end of it.

“您的任务，特罗特太太，”我说，“就在那儿摆样子。您可以在一家僻静的旅馆里住下，什么都不用干。安迪和我会负责处理一切通信和生意上的往来。’”

"'Of course, says I, 'some of the more ardent and impetuous suitors who can raise the railroad fare may come to Cairo to personally press their suit or whatever fraction of a suit they may be wearing. In that case you will be probably put to the inconvenience of kicking them out face to face. We will pay you $25 per week and hotel expenses.

“当然，”我继续说，“会有一些格外热情冲动的应征者出得起来开罗的车票钱，想当面对您展开追求，或者还有其它图谋。在这种情况下，大概就得麻烦您亲自踢他们出去了。除了包您的住宿外，我们每周还会付给您二十五元报酬。”

"'Give me five minutes, says Mrs. Trotter, 'to get my powder rag and leave the front door key with a neighbor and you can let my salary begin.

“给我五分钟，”特罗特夫人说，“我去拿粉扑，再把大门钥匙存到邻居那儿，接着你们就可以开始给我算酬劳了。’”

"So I conveys Mrs. Trotter to Cairo and establishes her in a family hotel far enough away from mine and Andy's quarters to be unsuspicious and available, and I tell Andy.

“就这样，我说服了特罗特太太跟我来到开罗，将她安置在一个家庭旅馆里，跟我和安迪的住处离得恰到好处，既不会近得引起怀疑，又不会远得沟通不畅。然后我就把新进展告诉了安迪。”

"'Great, says Andy. 'And now that your conscience is appeased as to the tangibility and proximity of the bait, and leaving mutton aside, suppose we revenoo a noo fish.

“好极了，”安迪说，“现在，既然你手里有了实实在在的鱼饵，就不会良心不安了，先不管别的，我觉得咱们现在可以动手钓大鱼了。’”

"So, we began to insert our advertisement in newspapers covering the country far and wide. One ad was all we used. We couldn't have used more without hiring so many clerks and marcelled paraphernalia that the sound of the gum chewing would have disturbed the Postmaster-General.

“于是，我们在全国上下的报纸上刊登那则征婚广告。我们就登了一回——太多的话还得雇好多办事员和女秘书来帮忙，他们嚼口香糖的声音搞不好会惊动邮政局长。”

"We placed $2,000 in a bank to Mrs. Trotter's credit and gave her the book to show in case anybody might question the honesty and good faith of the agency. I knew Mrs. Trotter was square and reliable and it was safe to leave it in her name.

“我们以特罗特太太的名义在银行存了两千块，把存折交给她，以防万一有人来质疑婚介所的真实性。我知道特罗特太太靠得住，把钱存在她名下万无一失。”

"With that one ad Andy and me put in twelve hours a day answering letters.

“就靠那么一则广告，安迪和我每天都要花十二个小时回信。”

"About one hundred a day was what came in. I never knew there was so many large hearted but indigent men in the country who were willing to acquire a charming widow and assume the burden of investing her money.

“一天的来信量在一百封上下。我实在没想到，咱们国家居然有这么多心无芥蒂的贫困男同胞，愿意花力气追求一个漂亮寡妇，还要肩负起帮她投资的重担。”

"Most of them admitted that they ran principally to whiskers and lost jobs and were misunderstood by the world, but all of 'em were sure that they were so chock full of affection and manly qualities that the widow would be making the bargain of her life to get 'em.

“他们大多数都承认自己年纪大了，没有工作，默默无闻，但都确信自己一腔深情，男子汉气概十足，这个寡妇要是跟了自己，绝对是她一辈子的福气。”

"Every applicant got a reply from Peters & Tucker informing him that the widow had been deeply impressed by his straightforward and interesting letter and requesting them to write again; stating more particulars; and enclosing photograph if convenient. Peters & Tucker also informed the applicant that their fee for handing over the second letter to their fair client would be $2, enclosed therewith.

“每个应征者都收到了彼得斯和塔克事务所的回信，称寡妇太太被他坦率而风趣的信件深深打动，希望能继续文字交流，深入谈谈彼此的具体情况，方便的话，请尽量附上照片。彼得斯和塔克事务所还另外通知应征者，代他们美丽的客户收第二封信件的费用是两块钱，请随信附上。”

"There you see the simple beauty of the scheme. About 90 per cent of them domestic foreign noblemen raised the price somehow and sent it in. That was all there was to it. Except that me and Andy complained an amount about being put to the trouble of slicing open them envelopes, and taking the money out.

“这下你能看出这个计划的便捷和美妙之处了吧。这些国内国外绅士中，有九成凑齐了费用随信寄过来。这个把戏就这么简单——只是拆信取钱这种事儿很烦人，我和安迪少不了一通牢骚。”

"Some few clients called in person. We sent 'em to Mrs. Trotter and she did the rest; except for three or four who came back to strike us for carfare. After the letters began to get in from the r.f.d. districts Andy and me were taking in about $200 a day.

“也有少数主顾亲自找上门来。我们都让他们去见了特罗特太太，她干净利落地打发掉了——只有三四个回来跟我们要车费的。等到信件从免费邮递的偏远地区陆续涌来的时候，安迪和我每天已经能有两百块的进账了。”

"One afternoon when we were busiest and I was stuffing the two and ones into cigar boxes and Andy was whistling 'No Wedding Bells for Her' a small slick man drops in and runs his eye over the walls like he was on the trail of a lost Gainesborough painting or two. As soon as I saw him I felt a glow of pride, because we were running our business on the level.

“一天下午，我俩忙得不可开交，我正把一块两块的钞票往烟盒里塞，安迪则吹着电影《她才不结婚》主题曲，一个小个子男人眼神贼溜溜地进来，将四面墙都扫视了个遍，像是在检查庚斯博罗的遗失画作一般神秘谨慎。一看到他，我心中便一阵得意，我们这生意做得可是堂堂正正，不怕你来检查。”

"'I see you have quite a large mail to-day, says the man.

“二位今天的信真多。”男人开腔说。

"I reached and got my hat. 'Come on, says I. 'We've been expecting you. I'll show you the goods. How was Teddy when you left Washington?

“‘来吧，’我说。‘我们正盼着你呢。我把货色给你看吧。你离开华盛顿的时候，特德怎么样？’”

"I took him down to the Riverview Hotel and had him shake hands with Mrs. Trotter. Then I showed him her bank book with the $2,000 to her credit.

“我带他去了河景旅店，让他跟特罗特太太握了手，又给他看了她名下那本两千美元的存折。”

"'It seems to be all right, says the Secret Service.

“听起来很顺利。”这位私家侦探说。”

"'It is, says I. 'And if you're not a married man I'll leave you to talk a while with the lady. We won't mention the two dollars.

“当然，”我回道，“要是您还是单身，我保证能让您跟咱们的女士单独聊一会儿，还能给您免了那两块钱。’”

"'Thanks, says he. 'If I wasn't, I might. Good day, Mrs. Peters.

“谢谢。”他说，“要不是已婚的话，我没准儿真会去聊聊的。日安，彼得斯先生。’

"Toward the end of three months we had taken in something over $5,000, and we saw it was time to quit. We had a good many complaints made to us; and Mrs. Trotter seemed to be tired of the job. A good many suitors had been calling to see her, and she didn't seem to like that.

“三个月很快就要过去了，我们已经赚了差不多五千块钱，觉得是时候收摊了。我们遭到了不少投诉，特罗特太太似乎也心生厌倦。很多追求者上门求见，但她并不乐意。”

"So we decides to pull out, and I goes down to Mrs. Trotter's hotel to pay her last week's salary and say farewell and get her check for the $2,000.

“我俩决定金盆洗手。我就到特罗特太太住的旅店去付给她最后一周的酬劳，跟她道别，顺便拿回那本两千块钱的存折。”

"When I got there I found her crying like a kid that don't want to go to school.

“到了旅店，我发现她哭得像个不想上学的孩子。”

"'Now, now, says I, 'what's it all about? Somebody sassed you or you getting homesick?

“怎么了？”我问，“怎么回事？谁非礼你了吗？还是你想家了？’”

"'No, Mr. Peters, says she. 'I'll tell you. You was always a friend of Zeke's, and I don't mind. Mr. Peters, I'm in love. I just love a man so hard I can't bear not to get him. He's just the ideal I've always had in mind.

“不是，彼得斯先生，”她哭着说，“我跟您实说吧。您是齐克多年的老朋友，这事儿我也不瞒着您。彼得斯先生，我爱上了一个人。我真的太爱他了，要是不能跟他在一起，我简直活不下去。他就是我一心想找的那个人。’”

"'Then take him, says I. 'That is, if it's a mutual case. Does he return the sentiment according to the specifications and painfulness you have described?

“那就嫁给他吧，”我说，“如果你们彼此相爱的话。您跟他表明心迹之后，他回应您的感情了吗？’”

"'He does, says she. 'But he's one of the gentlemen that's been coming to see me about the advertisement and he won't marry me unless I give him the $2,000. His name is William Wilkinson. And then she goes off again in the agitations and hysterics of romance.

“回应了。”她说，“可他也是看了广告才慕名而来的，我要是拿不出那两千元，他是不会跟我结婚的。他名叫威廉·威尔金森。’说到这儿，为了自己的爱情，她又开始歇斯底里地嚎啕大哭。”

"'Mrs. Trotter, says I, 'there's no man more sympathizing with a woman's affections than I am. Besides, you was once the life partner of one of my best friends. If it was left to me I'd say take this $2,000 and the man of your choice and be happy.

“特罗特太太，”我安慰她，“在男人里头，我可以说是最能体恤女性的情感的了。更何况您还曾是我挚友的另一半。要是我能做主的话，您就拿着那两千块，去嫁给自己选择的人，幸福地生活吧。”

"'We could afford to do that, because we have cleaned up over $5,000 from these suckers that wanted to marry you. But, says I, 'Andy Tucker is to be consulted.

“我和我的搭档出得起这两千块钱，毕竟我俩已经从那些痴心妄想娶您的冤大头身上赚了五千多块了。可是，”我顿了一下，“这事儿我还得跟安迪·塔克商量一下。”

"'He is a good man, but keen in business. He is my equal partner financially. I will talk to Andy, says I, 'and see what can be done.

“他是个好心人，但也是个精明的生意人。在财务上，我俩的地位是平起平坐的。我去跟安迪讲，看看能怎么办吧。”

"I goes back to our hotel and lays the case before Andy.

"'I was expecting something like this all the time, says Andy. 'You can't trust a woman to stick by you in any scheme that involves her emotions and preferences.

"'It's a sad thing, Andy, says I, 'to think that we've been the cause of the breaking of a woman's heart.

“然后，我回到住处，把这事儿跟一五一十地跟安迪说了。”

“我一直预料会发生这样的事情，”安迪说，“任何骗局中，一旦沾上感情和个人喜好，你就绝不能相信一个女人还会为你着想。”

“可一想到我们俩会成为让一位女士心碎的元凶，”我说，“我就觉得很难过，安迪。”

"'It is, says Andy, 'and I tell you what I'm willing to do, Jeff. You've always been a man of a soft and generous heart and disposition. Perhaps I've been too hard and worldly and suspicious. For once I'll meet you half way. Go to Mrs. Trotter and tell her to draw the $2,000 from the bank and give it to this man she's infatuated with and be happy.

“也是。”安迪同意道，“所以我告诉你我的打算吧，杰夫。你一直都是个内心柔软、心胸宽广的性情中人，也许是我太严苛、太世俗也太多疑。这次我决定让步。去看看特罗特太太吧，让她去银行把那两千块取出来，交给那个让她心醉神迷的男人，快乐过日子去吧。”

"I jumps up and shakes Andy's hand for five minutes, and then I goes back to Mrs. Trotter and tells her, and she cries as hard for joy as she did for sorrow.

“我一跃而起，握着安迪的手足足摇了五分钟，接着赶到特罗特太太那儿，将这个告诉她。她又大哭了起来，喜悦的泪珠掉得一点都不比悲伤的时候少。”

"Two days afterward me and Andy packed up to go.

两天后，我和安迪收拾好行装准备离开。

"'Wouldn't you like to go down and meet Mrs. Trotter once before we leave? I asks him. 'She'd like mightily to know you and express her encomiums and gratitude.

“走之前，你不去见特罗特太太一面吗？”我问他，“她一定也非常希望认识你，向你当面表达她的赞美和感激之情。”

"'Why, I guess not, says Andy. 'I guess we'd better hurry and catch that train.

“还是算了，”安迪说，“咱们还是快点儿上路赶火车吧。”

"I was strapping our capital around me in a memory belt like we always carried it, when Andy pulls a roll of large bills out of his pocket and asks me to put 'em with the rest.

就跟往常一样，我把我俩赚的钱捆到腰带上。这时，安迪从口袋里掏出一大卷钞票，让我一块塞进去。

"'What's this? says I.

"'It's Mrs. Trotter's two thousand, says Andy.”

"'How do you come to have it? I asks.

"'She gave it to me, says Andy. 'I've been calling on her three evenings a week for more than a month.

“这是哪儿来的钱？”我问。

“就是特罗特太太那两千块。”安迪说。

“怎么会到你手上的？”我问。

“她给我的。”安迪说，“这一个多月以来，我每周都有三个晚上会去拜访她。”

"'Then are you William Wilkinson? says I.

"'I was, says Andy."

“所以你就是那个威廉·威尔金森？”我说。

“就是我。”安迪回答。

The Ends

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