萨古鲁 Isha
This Valentine’s Day, we bring you Sadhguru’s answers to some of the most popular questions on love and relationships that school and college students have asked him over the years.
这个情人节，我们为你带来了萨古鲁对大学生多年来向他提问的一些关于爱与关系的最受欢迎的问题的回答。
如何知道你是和对的人在一起？
Questioner: How do you know that the person you are with is the right person to you (Laughter)?
提问者：怎么才能知道你身边的那个人就是对的人？（笑）
Sadhguru: Oh! popular, Ahh? It once happened, Shankaran Pillai was at the family dinner and when everybody settled down for dinner, he stood up at the table and announced, “I am going to marry Lucy who is just across the street.” I hope that’s not the name?
Sadhguru（萨古鲁）：噢！这个问题很受欢迎，嗯？一天，山卡拉·皮莱参加一次家庭聚餐，当所有人都坐下来准备吃晚餐时，山卡拉·皮莱从桌边站起来宣布，“我要和街对面的露西结婚。”我希望你的那位不叫这个名字？
Questioner: No (Laughter).
提问者：不是（笑）。
Sadhguru: Then the father said, “What? You’re going to marry Lucy? She has nothing. She is like a tramp. You’re going to marry that Lucy?” Mother said, “What? You’re going to marry that Lucy? The Uncle… uncles always pitch in this kind of matters, you know (Laughter)? Uncle said, “What, you’re going to marry that Lucy? Have you seen her hair? It looks fake.” The aunt, “What, you’re going to marry Lucy? She’s, she’s always painted, you’re going to marry that painted woman?” The little boy, the nephew can’t be left out. He said, “You’re going to marry Lucy? She doesn’t even know what cricket is, how can you marry her?” Shankaran Pillai stood his ground and said, “Yes, I am going to marry Lucy” Everybody asked in one voice, “Why?” He said, “Because she has no family, (Laughter) There are no many opinions to battle with.” (Laughter).
Sadhguru（萨古鲁）：他的父亲说：“什么？你要和露西结婚？她一无所有。她就像个乞丐。你要和那个露西结婚？” 母亲说：“什么？你要和那个露西结婚？”叔叔……叔叔们在这种事情上总是要帮忙的，你知道的（笑）？叔叔说：“什么？你要和那个露西结婚？你没看见她的头发吗？看起来就像是假的。”阿姨说：“什么，你要和露西结婚？她，她总是浓妆艳抹的。”“你要和那个浓妆艳抹的女人结婚？”这个小男孩，他的侄子，也不想被落下。他说：“你要和露西结婚？她连板球是什么都不知道，你怎么能和她结婚？”山卡拉·皮莱坚持自己的立场说，“是的，我要和露西结婚。”所有人异口同声地问：“为什么？”他说：“因为她没有家人，（笑）没有那么多意见要争论。”（笑）
So, who is the right person, I don’t want to take away all the romance from your life (Laughter). But let me tell you this, there is no right person on this planet. If you get into that kind of unrealistic mindset, “I have found the right person!” Oh, you will be soon disappointed. You must understand there is no right person. First thing is to see whether “I am the right person.” Yes! “Am I the right person?” And there are no right people in this planet. If you understand, you have your nonsense, they have their nonsense, we can adjust nonsense to nonsense, go on.
所以，谁是对的人，我不想拿走你生活中所有的浪漫（笑）。但是我告诉你，这个星球上没有对的人。如果你陷入那种不切实际的思维模式，“我找到了对的人！”噢，你很快就会失望。你必须明白没有对的人。首先要看，我是不是“对”的人。是的！“我是对的人吗？”这个星球上没有对的人。如果你明白，你有你的愚蠢，他们有他们的愚蠢，我们可以适应彼此的愚蠢，继续下去。
First and foremost thing is; you bring yourself to a place where your experience of life is just pleasant by yourself, you’re wonderful. Now, let us see what gets drawn to this one. If you are really wonderful, things will happen in every way. I am saying and this whole thing is an American thing that there is a soulmate somewhere. God made just one more person just for you. But these days every two years he keeps making one more person just for you (Laughter/Applause). Obviously, God is making too many mistakes with you (Laughter). See, body needs a mate, understandable. Maybe psychologically also you need a mate, understandable. Emotionally you need a mate, your soul cannot need a mate, so soul doesn’t need a mate nor was some person made perfectly for you, okay? If you invest a deep sense of involvement, something wonderful may happen, it’s because of your involvement. Not because the other person is fantastic, no. Even if you choose a fool, actually it’s easy that way. If they are not stupid why would they come to you first of all (Laughter)? No, no, no, I am just being nasty (Laughs).
首先最重要的是你让自己达到一种境界，你自身的生命体验就是愉快的，你很美妙。现在，再来看看有什么会被你吸引。如果你真的很美妙，事情就会发生在每个方面。在某个地方有一个灵魂伴侣，这整个观点来自美国。上帝专门为你创造了一个人，但是现在，每两年他就又为你创造一个人（笑/掌声）。显然，上帝在你身上犯了太多错误（笑）。看，身体需要伴侣，可以理解。也许心理上，你也需要一个伴侣，可以理解。情感上你需要一个伴侣，你的灵魂无法要一个伴侣，所以灵魂不需要伴侣。也没有人是为你量身定做的，好吗？如果你很投入，美妙的事情可能会发生，这是由于你的投入。不是因为那个人很棒，不是的。即使你选择了一个傻瓜，其实那样更容易。如果他们不傻，他们为什么会首先来找你（笑）？不，不，不，我只是逗你们玩儿（笑）。
So even if you choose a fool, it doesn’t matter. If you involve yourself, it can turn out very beautiful. You chose the smartest person in the universe; it could be a disaster. So, do not think in terms of, you know, whatever this “made for each other” nonsense. No, you choose the opposite actually, but after some time, after a little bit of time, you slowly start expecting they’re just like you. This is a serious mistake. Because if one more person becomes just like you, you won’t be able to bear with them for two days. Nobody is like you and that’s good. Don’t look for sameness. Not necessary; because of the difference you tangle, not otherwise (Laughs/Applause).
所以即使你选择了一个傻瓜，也没关系，如果你投入进去，这也能变得非常美好。你选择了全宇宙最聪明的人，这也可能会是灾难，所以不要抱着这种什么“天生一对”的想法。不，实际上你选择的是与之相反的人，但是一段时间后，一点点时间之后，你慢慢开始期待他们和你一样。这是一个严重的错误。因为如果有人和你一模一样，你两天都无法忍受他们。没人和你一样，这很好。不要去寻求相同，没必要；因为不同，你们才交缠在一起，不是因为相同（笑/掌声）。
现代女性能成为理想的妻子吗？
Questioner: Our mothers has set amazing benchmark…
提问者：我们的母亲设定了惊人的标准……
Sadhguru: The moment you say mothers
Sadhguru（萨古鲁）：当你说母亲的时候，
Questioner: Yeah.
提问者：是。
Sadhguru: They’re giving a sound ambience of baby’s crying (Laughter), perfect.
Sadhguru（萨古鲁）：她们在放婴儿哭的背景音（笑），完美。
Questioner: Just the halo effect, I think. Yeah, they have set a quite a big benchmark of being an ideal wife. However, I or girls of my generation feel that we cannot be as good as wife our mothers have been. So, should I feel that I am falling short in my personal life, or should I feel that I am not giving enough justice to my marriage once I am married? How should I feel about this?
提问者：我想这就是光环效应。是的，她们对成为一个理想的妻子设定了如此高的的标准。然而，我或是我这一代的女孩觉得我们无法成为像我们母亲那样的好妻子。所以一旦我结婚了，我是应该觉得我在个人生活方面有所不足，还是应该觉得在我的婚姻中，我做得不够？我该如何看待这件事？
Sadhguru: You know our center in United states is in Tennessee. Tennessee is a little, one kind of state, okay? Marie Mackowski, that’s not Romaniam right? Mary Mackowski got married and after their honeymoon they came home, and she threatened him that she’s going to make a dinner all by herself. I am sorry she (Laughter), she said she will make dinner for the new husband and husband came home from work and she served the dinner and he put it in his mouth and slowly he was chewing on it and went into profound thought. Then she was very excited about this dinner, and she said, “There are only two things my mother taught me how to cook, the meat loaf and the apple pie. Then he looked at her and said, “Darling, which one is this (Laughter)?”
Sadhguru（萨古鲁）：你知道我们在美国的中心位于田纳西州。田纳西是一个有点特色的州，对吗？玛丽·麦考斯基，那不是罗马尼亚人吧？玛丽·麦考斯基结婚了，蜜月后他们回到家，她宣称说她要亲自做一顿晚餐，抱歉，她（笑），她说要为新婚丈夫做晚餐。丈夫下班回家，她端上食物，他把食物放进嘴里慢慢地咀嚼，然后陷入了沉思。她对这顿晚餐感到非常兴奋，说：“我的母亲只教过我做两样东西，肉饼和苹果派。”然后他看着她说，“亲爱的，这是哪一个（笑）？”
So, your mother or your grandmother, how they made good wives, largely it was believed the way to a man's heart is through his stomach. Today your husband will call “Uber Eats” (Laughs)and whatever “Quick pix,” and this and that and “swiggy's” and whatever, all right (Laughs)? So, you can’t make a good wife based on how your grandmother became a good wife. You can’t become a good wife based on how your mother became a good wife. Situations have changed, expectations have changed. Hmm? It's not in the stomach anymore. For some it’s gone up into the head, for some it’s gone further south (Laughter). Yes, so you don’t do that.
所以你的母亲或者你的祖母，她们如何成为好妻子，人们曾普遍认为要留住男人的心，首先要抓住他的胃。今天你的丈夫会点“优食”，还有“Quick pix（快餐）”，这个那个和“swiggy’s（外卖平台）”诸如此类，是吗（笑）？所以你无法依照你祖母成为好妻子的方式来成为一个好妻子。你无法依照你母亲成为好妻子的方式，来成为一个好妻子。情况变了，期待也变了，嗯？已经不再是胃的事了。对一些人来说它上升到了头脑，对一些人来说，它更往下面走了（笑）。是的，所以别那么做。
Essentially, what a husband-and- wife means is because you’re not geared most people are not geared. Very few people in this world are geared to make this journey a life all by themselves. They are organized enough within themselves totally. They never feel anything missing in their life because they’ve made themselves like that. But most people need somebody else to lean on. Either emotionally, psychologically, there are needs in a human being. Physical needs, psychological needs, emotional needs, may be social needs, economic needs, variety of needs. To fulfill these needs, you want to find one person that you can depend on because it’s very difficult even to find one person who, with whom you can share everything that you have. Your body, mind, emotion and the works.
本质上，丈夫和妻子意味着，因为你没有准备好，大多数人都没有准备好。这世上只有少数人准备好独自走过这一生的旅程。他们的内在管理得足够好。他们从未觉得生命中有任何缺憾，因为他们把自己塑造成那样。但是大部分人需要有个人可以依靠。要么是在情感上，或在心理上，人是有需求的。生理需求、心理需求、情感需求，也许还有社会需求、经济需求，各种各样的需求。为了满足这些需求，你想找到一个可以依靠的人。因为即使要找一个可以分享一切的人，包括你的身体、思想、情感和工作，也是很困难的。
So, this is the idea. Formalizing it is, so that every time you get little some little friction, you don’t fall apart. So, little tying up, so that things don’t fall apart very easily, alright? Nothing else. The biggest mistake made was they started saying marriages are made in heaven. That’s why it’s such a mess (Laughter). No, it’s done here. If you see marriages are made between us, and we took responsibility for who we are, oh, we could have made it work and the damn thing is made in heaven (Laughter), not suitable here because it’s an alien stuff (Laughter). Everything is a mess because you think it’s made elsewhere by somebody else. If you understand it’s made by you for your well-being, to fulfill your needs and your purposes, so that you can go through this journey of life with least amount of trouble and friction, then you would handle it more responsibly, isn’t it? And according to contemporary needs, not how your grandmother did her marriage. You can’t do it that way because expectations and situations have completely altered themselves.
所以是基于这一点。把它确定下来，这样每次你遇到一点点摩擦时，你不会崩溃。所以一点束缚，让事情不那么容易崩溃，对吗？没别的了。人类犯下的最大错误是他们开始说婚姻是天作之合，这就是为什么它如此糟糕（笑）。不，它是在这里结合的。如果你看到婚姻是我们之间结下的，并且我们为自己是谁负起责任，哦，我们本可以让它顺利进行，但这该死的东西是在上天安排的（笑），在这儿不合适，因为它是外星人的产物（笑）。一切都一团糟，因为你认为婚姻是由别人在别的地方安排的。如果你明白它是为了你的幸福，为了满足你的需求和目的而安排的，那么你就能以最少的麻烦和摩擦走过这段人生旅程，那么你就会更负责任地经营它，不是吗？根据当代的需求，而不是你祖母经营婚姻的方式。你不能那样做，因为期待和环境已经完全变了。
So if you hold somebody, who is your friend and who is your need you must understand，You’re in this relationship because you need. Maybe the other person also needs but that’s from their side. As far as you are concerned, you made this relationship because you need it badly, isn’t it? If you understand and you’re always grateful for this that somebody is fulfilling all your need, you will handle it well. You wouldn’t make a misery out of it, but now you think somebody else needs you, then you’ll make a mess out of it. You understand you need it; well, the other person also needs to understand he needs it. Now, there is a cohesion. If you think, “Oh, you need me, so I am going to exploit you,” no, this is not about you squeezing happiness out of somebody or they are squeezing happiness out of you. If two happy people meet, then there can be something wonderful happening between them. But you’re a misery and you think somebody else should be the source of your happiness, well, it’ll multiply.
所以如果你拥有某个人，他是你的朋友，是你需要的人，你必须明白，你在这段关系中是因为你需要。也许那个人也需要，但那是来自他们那边。就你而言，你建立这段关系是因为你非常需要它，不是吗？如果你明白，并总是对某人满足了你所有的需求而充满感激，你就能经营好它。你不会从中制造痛苦，但是现在你认为别人需要你，那么你就会搞得一团糟。你明白是你需要它，同时对方也需要明白他需要它，如此就有了凝聚力。如果你认为，“噢，你需要我，所以我要利用你，”不，这不是关于你从某人身上榨取幸福或他们从你身上榨取幸福。如果两个快乐的人相遇，那么他们之间就会有美妙的事情发生。但如果你是一个痛苦的人，而且你认为别人应该成为你幸福的源泉，那么，痛苦会成倍增加。
我们怎样才能加强爱的感觉？
Questioner: In this materialistic age, the real feeling of love is disappearing from our life. Most of the love we receive from others and express to others is superficial. How can we reinforce the real feeling of love in our own life and in others?
提问者：在这个物欲横流的时代, 真正的爱的感觉正在从我们的生活中消失。我们从他人那里得到的爱和我们向他人表达的爱大都是表面的。我们如何在自己和他人的生活中增强爱的真实感觉？
Sadhguru: Forget about others. If you, if you learn to be loving by your own nature, not because of somebody else or something else, I know the question is coming from Facebook, there’s enormous possibility (Laughter). You can even love those people who don’t even exist. So, I am saying it’s a tremendous possibility.
Sadhguru（萨古鲁）：忘掉别人。如果你，如果你学会按自己的本性去爱，而不是因为别人或别的什么东西，我知道这个问题来自脸书，就有巨大的可能性（笑）。你甚至可以爱那些根本不存在的人。所以我说这是一个极大的可能性。
So (Laughs) if you just become love, not love somebody then you will know the nature of love. If you love somebody, it’s a fickle happening because no human being will happen hundred percent the way you want them. Every human being on this planet is going to disappoint you, believe me, not because they’ll do something wrong because nobody can fulfill the unrealistic expectation you have of them. It’s simply not possible. Have you been able to fulfill anybody’s expectation I am asking you entirely, Partially, but never entirely, isn’t it? Believe me whoever comes, I want you to know the ideal people whom you worship, when Krishna was there, his wives complained (Laughter), all right? Love is not a relationship. A relationship is a different thing. Love is a certain sweetness of your emotion. Why can’t you look at it lovingly? Because it’s not about loving the sky, it’s about the sweetness of your emotion. Whether you look at a tree or a dog or a man or a woman or a child or just at the sky, if your emotions are sweet, whatever you look at, you will look at it in a certain way. Right now, you have nasty emotions, whatever you look at, you look at it in a different way.
所以（笑）如果你只是成为爱，而不是爱某人，那么你就会知晓爱的本质。如果你爱某人，这是一个变幻无常的事，因为没有人会百分百按照你想要的方式发生。这个星球上所有的人都会让你失望的，相信我，不是因为他们会做错什么，而是因为没人能满足你对他们不切实际的期望。这就是不可能。你满足过别人的期望吗？我问的是完全满足？部分满足了，但从未全部满足，不是吗？相信我，不论是谁来到你身边，我想要你们知道，你们所崇拜的那个最理想的人，Krishna在身边时，他的妻子也会抱怨（笑），对吗？爱不是一段关系，一段关系是另一回事。爱是你情感的某种甜蜜，无论你是看着一棵树、一条狗、一个男人、一个女人、一个孩子，或者只是看着天空，你为何不能充满爱意地看着？因为这不是关于爱天空，这是关于你情感中的甜蜜如果你的情感是甜蜜的，无论你看着什么，你都会以某种方式看着它。现在，你有不愉快的情绪，无论你看着什么，你看它的方式都会不同。
So, you have always associated love with somebody. No, no, no, this is not about somebody; love is not something that you do, it is something that you can become. If you’re willing, you can become love, you can make your emotion into a very sweet space. Okay, If you make… if you make your body, If you sit here, it can be great pleasure just sitting here and breathing. If your mind becomes pleasant, we say this is joy. If your emotions become pleasant, we say this is love. If your very life energies become pleasant, we say this is blissfulness, this is ecstasy. If your surroundings become pleasant, we call that success. Very pleasant, it becomes pleasure.
所以，你总是把爱和某个人联系在一起。不，不，不，这不是关于某人；爱不是你所做的，它是你可以成为的东西。如果你愿意，你可以成为爱，你可以让你的情感成为一个非常甜蜜的空间。嗯，如果你让……如果你让你的身体非常愉悦，它就会变成快乐。如果你坐在这里，只是坐在这里呼吸就会是巨大的快乐。如果你的头脑变得愉快，我们说这是喜悦。如果你的情绪变得愉快，我们说这是爱。如果你的生命能量变得愉快，我们说这是幸福，这是狂喜。如果你周围的一切变得愉快，我们称之为成功。
Now you’re calling your success with somebody as love, that’s a mistake. You have a success story with somebody, you’re calling that love; no that is actually success, because that needs lots of management. But for you to be loving, there is no management. If you just make your emotions sweet, your emotions are sweet and it’s beautiful to be like this. It’s not about anybody. If somebody comes, we can share it. If nobody comes, you can sit here with the eyes closed and still be loving, what’s the problem? It is not about somebody, it’s not an action. It is not something that you do, it is something that you can become (Applause).
现在你把你和某人的成功称为爱，那是一个错误。你和某人有一个成功的故事，你把它称之为爱；不，那实际上就是成功，因为那需要大量的经营。但是对你来说，成为爱是无需经营的。如果你只是让你的情感变得甜蜜，你的情感是甜蜜的，这样就很美好。它不关乎任何人。如果有人来了，我们可以分享它。如果没有人来，你可以闭上眼睛坐在这里，仍然充满爱，这有什么问题？这与某人无关，这不是一种行为。这不是你所做的，而是你可以成为的（掌声）。
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