小伙伴们大家好，欢迎来到每周的“国外也有段子手”！上周的欧洲赛场精彩看点层出不穷。欧冠小组赛再燃战火，巴萨与国米握手言和，曼联客场逆转尤文，利物浦爆冷输球，而皇马、热刺、曼城等球队则纷纷取胜。周末联赛，曼城笑傲曼市德比，多特赢下拜仁，巴萨主场爆冷输球，皇马、利物浦等球队纷纷获胜，而切尔西和阿森纳则收获平局。好了，话不多说，让我们快来看看歪果仁们的精彩吐槽吧！
火爆德比！曼城3-1曼联
Cdbriggs(曼联球迷)：不是说下半场就能换个活法吗？(I was told second half would change us.)
Cirad(巴萨球迷)：现在真的好嫉妒曼城啊，不是因为他们这么有钱有设备还有好球员，而是因为他们有瓜瓜…(I am so envious of City. Not because of all their money, facilities, or even great players. It's Pep.)
Cream-Benzema(皇马球迷)：根据WhoScored网站的评分，这场比赛双方的最佳11人没有一个是曼联球员….(Not even a single Manchester United player is in the combined Manchester derby XI, according to WhoScored ratings.)
Dann610(美国球迷)：阿圭罗这是进化成超级赛亚人了么？(Aguero ascended to a new Super Saiyan level.)
Lsatter18(未知主队球迷)：我都搞糊涂了，我还以为阿圭罗的脑袋是席尔瓦的光头呢！(I was so confused, I legit thought that was Silva's bald head.)
Rafaeliki(未知主队球迷)：是谁控制的马蒂奇的手柄，是不是电线掉啦？(Whoever was controlling Matic disconnected their controller.)
swamp-captain(利物浦球迷)：世界杯版本的德赫亚又回来了…(World cup De Gea is back.)
Vash2P(巴萨球迷)：射得漂亮，简直就像在嘿咻啊！(WHAT A FINISH !! PURE SEXX !)
OnceUponAStarryNight(未知主队球迷)：不过瓜瓜是更喜欢嘿咻的~(Pep prefers the sex.)
RedditThisBiatch(曼联球迷)：最后曼城在我们角旗区传控，而我们却连球的影儿都摸不到，这大概就是这场比赛的真实写照吧，让我感到绝望...(City holding the ball in our own corner without us able to touch the ball is a good summary of how that game went. Hopelessness.)
Wickenz(波尔图球迷)：除了那粒点球，曼联还有射门打在门框以内吗？(Did United have a shot on target besides the penalty?)
主场被爆冷，巴萨3-4皇家贝蒂斯
Mikkelemilc(未知主队球迷)：这场比赛是我第一次赌球，只要巴萨能赢球我就能赢87欧元，结果你特么…在主场…输给了…贝…蒂…斯...(First time I place a bet in my life. Was about to win 87£, only needed Barcelona to win. You lose. At home. To B-E-T-I-S.)
TheBestTortilla(巴萨球迷)：当你已经有梅西的时候，还需要什么中场和后卫呢？(Who needs a midfield or defense when you have Messi.)
Aspex11(国米球迷)：你看你们上了梅西就输球，不如卖给我们国米吧！(Now you see you are defeated since Messi is on, let’s make a deal for selling him to us.)
Kirkrrr(巴萨球迷)：能不能别都找梅西了，就不能好好踢球吗？我们现在就跟阿根廷国家队一样，把球传给梅西，然后再指望他去连过8个人去进球…(We need to stop looking for Messi and just play the fucking game. We look like Argentina right now just giving the ball to Messi and hope he dribbles 8 players...)
Capthegooner(阿森纳球迷)：巴萨只是想让西甲变得像英超那样竞争激烈一些！(Barcelona trying to make La Liga as competetive as the Premier League.)
Rsslock(利物浦球迷)：英超还有竞争？曼城不都已经提前38轮夺冠了吗？(Premier League is competitive? No, Man city has already claimed the title 38 weeks ahead.)
TalulanI(埃弗顿球迷)：我觉得巴萨很需要像洛夫伦和范戴克那样的中后卫，赶紧把他们买走吧！(I think Barca is in a dire need of some Lovren & VVD. Come get them.)
Matox223(皇马球迷)：这场比赛前，贝蒂斯这赛季总共才进了1个客场进球…(Before this game, Betis have scored 1 away goal this season.)
D8c0(国米球迷)：特二施特根(Nerd Stegen.)
CheloniaMydas(维拉球迷)：也就是说阿拉维斯有机会夺冠啦？(So this means Alaves are going to win the league.)
PeteBaelish(毕尔巴鄂球迷)：与此同时我们毕包还在保级呢…(Meanwhile we are fighting not to get relegated...)
Backwards-desserts(巴萨球迷)：拉基蒂奇全场隐身，竟然还能被红牌罚下…(Rakitić didn't even play and he got a red card.)
Bassfaceapollo(巴萨球迷)：辣鸡的红牌其实是巴尔韦德下的一步大棋，这样就能让他得到休息啦！(Rakitic’s red is Valverde’s 7-D chess and giving Rakitic the rest he deserves.)
Ikista(加拉塔萨雷球迷)：皮克这表现也太迷了吧，他到底经历了什么？(Pique is absolutely lost, I really don't know what happened to him…)
Amilostagain(巴萨球迷)：毕竟皮克不再年轻，而狼姐又到了似虎的年龄…(He's aged but Shakira is still hungry.)
graveyeverton93(埃弗顿球迷)：哈哈，当巴萨把他们最好的中卫卖给我们的时候，就已经注定了今天的结局！(Lol that’s what happened as Barcelona sold their best centre-back to us... :P)
Frederix_(贝蒂斯球迷)：贝蒂斯主帅塞蒂恩成为了过去10年以来第一位在伯纳乌和诺坎普都赢过西甲联赛的教练...(Real Betis boss Quique Setien is the only away manager to win at the Santiago Bernabeu and Camp Nou in La Liga in the last 10 seasons.)
笨马进球，皇马4-2塞尔塔
Sauapia (巴萨球迷)：皇马你这不厚道啊，说好的一起输球呢？(That's cheating Madrid, you were supposed to lose this one too.)
Ariansharifi(皇马球迷)：现在皇马可以说是反向巴萨了！(Real madrid did the oposite of Barca’)
REDxSAM(皇马球迷)：好希望我女票能像本泽马触球那样抚摸我呀！(I wish my gf would touch me the way benzema touched that ball.)
BigCrashLittleChyna(皇马球迷)：谢天谢地，我们竟然还有球员能活着走出球场…(Thank god we can leave this stadium with some players still alive)
势头强劲，利物浦2-0富勒姆
SlipperyBumCesc(利物浦球迷)：这传中看得我裤子都湿了，太漂亮了…(That cross made me cream my pants. Beautiful.)
vikiadi27(巴萨球迷)：每次给出阿利松的特写镜头，我都想再去看一遍《雷神3》…(Everytime Alisson gets a close up, I have an urge to rewatch Thor 3.)
Harrypoos(菲律宾球迷)：利物浦赛后评论区的重点提炼：“安菲尔德寂静岭！”“昙花一现！”“又被虐了！”… (Liverpool match thread essentials: “Anfield is Silent Hill” “One season wonder” “Get fucked”.)
跌宕起伏，多特蒙德3-2拜仁慕尼黑
slash196(多特球迷)：罗伊斯现在各赛事的出场时间、进球数和助攻数都已经比上赛季的总和还要多了…(Marco Reus has already played more minutes, scored more goals, has more assists both in League and all competitions than last season.)
TheDJZ(多特球迷)：照这趋势下去，我撑不到圣诞节就得犯心脏病了…(At this rate I’ll develop a heart condition by Christmas.)
Estimators(未知主队球迷)：不敢相信啊，拜仁现在竟比门兴的排名还低了…(I can't believe Bayern Munich just fell behind Gladbach.)
Gungerz(未知主队球迷)：诺伊尔的手柄是不是断开了…(Neuer's controller disconnected.)
再次平局，阿森纳1-1狼队
Aidsfart_ (阿森纳球迷)：好在还有曼彻斯特德比，现在已经没人注意我们踢成翔了…(Luckily the Manchester derby is distracting the world from this shit.)
KonturSvet10(阿森纳球迷)：我刚刚发现，狼队门将帕特里西奥穿的是11号？(I've just realised Patricio wears number 11.)
Jayveesac(阿森纳球迷)：歪是999吗，我要报案，有人在酋长球场抢了2分！(Hello 999 I'd like to report a robbery at the Emirates stadium pitch, someone stole 2 points.)
Buffaloplatypus(狼队球迷)：是谁抢的？(Robbery by who?)
Chierra117(阿森纳球迷)：我们抢的啊，但抢了2分怎么就得了1分…(Us. we stole 2 but got only 1.)
Hunchovis(阿森纳球迷)：扎卡就是一个大土豆子！谁也别想反驳我，除非他哪天进了帽子戏法！(Xhaka is the literal definition of a potato and no one can convince me unless he scores a hat trick some day.)
Deadbeatdaughtr(狼队球迷)：贝莱林好漂亮啊，脸就像一头长得很像人的马一样…(Bellerins pretty. Hes like what a horse would look like as a human.)
互交白卷，切尔西0-0埃弗顿
Rainije(利物浦球迷)：莫拉塔喜欢越位比喜欢他老婆都多了…(Morata loves offside more than his wife.)
Truffles413(热刺球迷)：为了防止被切尔西球迷揍，莫拉塔还是去请个警察来保护自己吧…(Morata might need a police escort to protect him from Chelsea fans.)
LudwigSalieri(利物浦球迷)：我早就看好埃弗顿了！(Always rated Everton…)
Captain_Priceless(利物浦球迷)：现在就去曼彻斯特德比给曼联加油吧！奇怪的一天…(Now on to cheering for United. Weird day.)
AuxquellesRad(利物浦球迷)：相比于让曼联重回前四，我还是更想让曼城赢的…(I'd rather City win than see United get back to the top 4.)
马尔科姆伊卡尔迪进球，国米1-1巴萨
Gungerz(国米球迷)：汉大大真是一己之力扛着国米啊…(Handad is literally putting Inter on his back…)
maybeAKitten(尤文球迷)：国米球迷真应该给汉达建一个雕像！不过不要找给C罗做雕像的那位…(Inter fans should make Handa a statue, but without the Ronaldo treatment.)
Gip_Eht_Issem(国米球迷)：今天国米和巴萨的比赛里，有位阿根廷球员站了出来带领球队绝处逢生，猜猜他是谁？(An Argentine doing wonders in a game involving Inter and Barca...guess who.)
Tossino(国米球迷)：我好喜欢伊卡尔迪啊，我可不是基佬…靠，管特么的，老子就想和伊卡尔迪搞基！(I love this man so much, no homo. Oh fuck it, I'm homo for Icardi…)
NoseSeeker(巴萨球迷)：巴萨这套客场球衣总让我想起波顿家族的家徽上被剥皮的小人…(Barca kit reminds me of the flayed man of House Bolton.)
Sauapia(巴萨球迷)：伊卡尔迪这汉子坏得很，不但偷走你主队的胜利，还能偷走你老婆的芳心…(Mauro Icardi, outta nowhere just steals your lead and steals your wife.)
Rafaeliki(圣地亚哥球迷)：这是巴尔韦德下的一步大棋！之前一直故意雪藏马尔科姆，这样国米就根本不会正眼瞧他，最后再把他派上来不就能进球啦！(Valverde's master plan. Keep Malcom out of the squad until inter do not take a glance at him then bring him on t score.)
Jonnzi(未知主队球迷)：我怎么感觉这比赛都是玩FIFA的编程大神编程序写的一样…(i get the feeling football is scipted these days and the authors play FIFA.)
Codenamederp(国米球迷)：就这场比赛甚至可以做一个什克里尼亚尔一对一单防成功的集锦传到Youtube上去了…(You could probably make a YouTube compilation video of Skriniar 1v1 tackles from just this match.)
raghavk180(曼城球迷)：那这视频绝对是登贝莱被黑得最惨的一次…(The biggest loser in this video is Dembele)
RINGBELL8(巴萨球迷)：我3个月大的女儿问我马尔科姆状态那么好，为啥总是上不了场？我该怎么回答她呢？(My 3 months old daughter just asked why Malcom has such few times on pitch since he is having a good time. How do I explain this?)
OGConsuela(巴萨球迷)：沃日啊，我在上班的时候偷看球，老板从我桌子旁边经过了两次，结果就这两次恰好两个球都进了，我特么一个也没看着啊！(Goddammit my boss walked by my desk as both goals were scored so I missed both, the only two times he’s walked by the entire match.)
hitler_sucked_balls(巴萨球迷)：阿尔巴是我们的后卫、中场和前锋，特尔施特根可要注意了…(Alba is our defender, midfielder and striker. Ter Stegen beware.)
Vash2P(巴萨球迷)：阿图尔的传球简直能让人性高潮，可苏牙偏偏射不出来…(That pass by Arthur was orgasmic But, Suarez couldn’t cum:-(
Anormalguy93(国米球迷)：我的小心脏再也承受不住了，巴萨你们再不射，我小国际可就要射了啊！(My heart can’t resist any more minutes. Please, Barça, shoot or else we shoot.)
大胜对手，皇马5-0比尔森胜利
DemetriusXVII(拜仁球迷)：这场比赛是国家德比的重播吗？(Is this the replay of the El Clasico?)
Varnagel_1(法国球迷)：本泽马这欧冠扬威联赛阳痿，简直就是反向苏亚雷斯…(Benzema always turns up in Champions League but impotent in La Liga. The anti Luis Suarez.)
Knightwing86(科威特球迷)：皇马：“お前はもう死んでいる！”比尔森胜利：“なに？”(Real Madrid: "Omae wa mou Shindeiru." iktoria Plzen: " NAANNNIII?")
rahil279(利物浦球迷)：皇马你们在干什么？难道你们不想再破个纪录吗？(What are you doing Real? Don't you want to break more records? :(
NavasThePanther(哥斯达黎加球迷)：好气啊，笨马就这么在小组赛就把年度神仙球给进了…(Hate to see Benz waste his once a year wonder-goal in the group stages.)
Pipekeran(皇马球迷)：卧槽又进球了？不敢相信啊，这还是皇家马德里吗？(Another one? I can't believe this, are you sure this is Madrid?)
secon_fly_hunter(皇马球迷)：要是在西甲每轮都能踢比尔森胜利就好了，这样我们就可以排在积分榜前四了….(If only we played Plzen every match, we could finish top 4 in La Liga.)
LinXcze(皇马球迷)：三连胜而且三场都零封？难道我们的玄学又回来了？(3 wins in a row with 3 clean sheets? Looks like black magic is back on the menu boyz.)
Fake_Fibonacci(皇马球迷)：不是我瞎吹，索拉里就是长着头发的齐达内，我们今年又能赢遍天下啦！(Not to overreact but Solari is zidane with hair , we're winning everything this year.)
逆转取胜，曼联2-1尤文
cragcrag(尤文球迷)：哈哈哈哈哈哈艹… (HAHAHAHAHAHAHA FUCK…)
Mashoe54(曼联球迷)：Jdbxmaoqhsvbs…啊不用管我，我在清洗刚刚溅到键盘上的人间精华呢！(Jdbxmaoqhsvbs…Don't mind me.. I'm just cleaning the semen off my keyboard.)
WildVariety(曼联球迷)：哈哈，你连个英超中游球队都赢不了，还想什么欧冠冠军呀？(Lol how are you going to win the champions league when you can’t even beat a mid table English side at home.)
rtaSmash(未知主队球迷)：曼联就像是个在学校里从来不学习的学生，却在临考前突击看了20分钟的书就能万事大吉的考过了…(Man U is like that kid in school that never learns for exams and comes in to exam day 20 minutes earlier and just reads through his stuff and passes the exam comfortably.)
Kolgrillat(曼联球迷)：基耶利尼和博努奇连海啸都能防住，但就是防不住费莱尼！(Chiellini and Bonucci can hold up against a tsunami, but not Fellaini.)
Asdftom(未知主队球迷)：现在我们要思考一个严肃的问题，费莱尼究竟算不算是世界最佳球员了？(We need to seriously question, is fellani the best player in the world?)
distantapplause(曼联球迷)：知道我们为什么能赢吗，尤文只能倚靠C罗罢了，而我们却有上将阿什利-扬，这就是差距！(There's the difference that why we won. Juventus just have Ronaldo in those areas. We have Ashley Young.)
mcfcliam(曼城球迷)：阿什利-扬现在的每一脚传中，都像是在找当年在他嘴里拉屎的鸟报仇…(Every cross of Ashley Young seems to be an avenge on that shit bird.)
SexyMooli(巴基斯坦球迷)：曼联球门的门框扑救次数都已经比什琴斯尼还多了…(Manchester United's goalpost has made more saves today than Szczesny.)
MattJamesThirtySix(切尔西球迷)：所以现在没有英超球队愿意去踢欧联杯了吗？(so no english team wants europa league football now?)
pittcoys10(热刺球迷)：谁说的？等着我啊！(See you soon!)
Ozelotty(热刺球迷)：说实话，要不是解说员一直在说林加德，我都没注意到他也在场上呢！(Honestly, if the commentator wouldn't keep talking about him, I would have completely forgot that Lingard was playing.)
boggyonetwo(曼联球迷)：说实话，要不是解说员一直在说热刺，我都没注意到你们也在踢欧冠呢！(Honestly, if the commentator wouldn't keep talking about you, I would have completely forgot that Spur was in the Champion League.)
Kylael(切尔西球迷)：好了，现在有没有人能告诉曼联，他们其实是允许在前60分钟就好好踢球的…(Alright, somebody needs to tell MU that they're allowed to play proper football before the 60th minute.)
TheZilloBeast(曼联球迷)：别叫这场比赛让你们分心利物浦输给贝尔格莱德红星的事啊！(Don't let this distract you from the fact that Liverpool lost to Red Star Belgrade.)
爆冷输球，利物浦0-2贝尔格莱德红星
Maygie(埃弗顿球迷)：好期待再看90分钟利物浦后卫把球传给的中场把球传给把球传给中场的后卫啊！(can't wait to see another 90 minutes more of liverpool's midfield passing it to their defense who passes it to their midfield who passes it to their defense.)
GPstoud(利物浦球迷)：你们埃弗顿唯一的优点，就是你们的隔壁比我们的好太多了！(The only advantage you have above us is that you have a far better neighbor.)
Preperprep(利物浦球迷)：看来热刺勇夺欧联杯变得越发困难了…(Only cos the Europa league just got a bit harder for Spurs.)
Pardrok(利物浦球迷)：你永远不会独自去踢欧联杯！(You will never play Europa league alone.)
Sidorovich123(马竞球迷)：你能想象利物浦、曼联、热刺、阿森纳和切尔西都去踢欧联杯么…(Can you imagine liverpool, united, spurs, arsenal and chelsea all in europa league.)
LanceGardner(切尔西球迷)：欧冠那皇马一家独大的比赛有啥意思？竞争激烈的欧联杯才是最顶级的享受！(Champion League is just a farmer league for Real Madrid, the Europe League is the real first class feast.)
Meepox5(索尔纳球迷)：我就喜欢看那种小国家的球队击败球队财政都超过某些国家GDP的豪门！(I love it when clubs worth the GDP of a small nation gets scored on by smaller clubs.)
Difene(未知主队球迷)：仅范戴克的身价，就已经超过贝尔格莱德红星队史总开销的4倍还多了…(Virgil vD cost 4 times more than Red Star have spent in their entire history.)
Viremia(利物浦球迷)：我们真的很擅长踢有威胁的射门，不过就是没法真的踢进去…(We really good at shoot the ball really close to the goal without it actually ever going in.)
Viremia(利物浦球迷)：要是每次我们直接把球踢在对方下巴上我就能赢个硬币的话，那我现早就是百万富翁了…(if I had a nickel for every time we have kicked the ball into the shins of a defender, I'd have... millions of dollars right now.
保留出线希望，热刺2-1埃因霍温
Supreme_Youngling(切尔西球迷)：尼玛啊，就这么把我们抛弃在欧联杯了吗？(Yo wtf leave us alone in Europa League.)
Puddingkip(阿贾克斯球迷)：热刺要再输球的话，去欧联杯的就是埃因霍温了…(if they lose this game they're not going into europa, psv is.)
bourneiiEviNii(未知主队球迷)：好在利物浦输了球，现在大家都没空去笑话热刺了…(Didn't take long to shut up them mocking at Spurs because of Liverpool, did it?)
Kreygasm2233(热刺球迷)：༼ つ ◕_ ◕ ༽つ利物浦老铁们，请收下我爱的抱抱~(༼ つ ◕_ ◕ ༽つ Free hugs for all Liverpool fans.)
WorldsBestNothing(阿贾克斯球迷)：下次我考前复习的时候就去热刺球迷看台吧，那里真是太安静了！(Next time I have to study for an exam I'm going to sit in the Tottenham stands.)
Mattiejj(阿贾克斯球迷)：热刺球迷只是在给回不去的温布利球场默哀90分钟而已…(theyre having 90 minutes of silence to pay their respects to the recently deceased Wembley pitch.)
酣畅淋漓，曼城6-0顿涅茨克矿工
JoeyBulgaria(南安普顿球迷)：哈哈哈哈，竟然能输给曼城6个球，这球队是得有多烂啊！(hahahahaha what kind of shit team lets in six to City.)
VegetableReloaded(未知主队球迷)：大卫-席尔瓦剃了光头，是不是为了去做植发手术啊…(I thought David Silva shaved his head because he got a hair transplant?)
Mr_Lich12(曼城球迷)：我们到底花了多少钱去贿赂球场的草皮了…(How much do our guys recon the grass got paid?)
DriesMertens(那不勒斯球迷)：真不敢相信，那块故意绊倒斯特林的草皮竟然还没被红牌罚下？(can't believe Grass is still on the pitch after that atrocious challenge on Sterling.)
好了，亲爱的小伙伴们，本期的“国外也有段子手”就为大家播报到这了，让我们拭目以待，来看下期歪果仁们更加精彩的吐槽吧！
- 消息参考来源: reddit
